Mauy and the 2020 Fall

Hi, it's now 2020 (I think I updated this back in 2018) and again forgot about blogging. It seems that in fall I tend to have rushing memories of a certain person that's long gone from my life. This girl that I fell for long ago and, while it lasted, it was amazing having somebody like her around. 

We never dated. I remember I threw a paper star at her. And I said "it's a shooting star!" and that's what got everything started. I think we argued once or twice. I'm not sure. Looking back- I think she tried to get me to ask her out. But I didn't know. Communication isn't my forte. She got that, and she gave me a comic book without words in it. It was from a wonderful artist that probably understood my mind. That I would see expressions rather than just words. Looking back- I think she's like that. Because when texting we would argue, but when talking, we would never argue about anything.

It was a fall. The fall of 2012, I think. Before I learned what anxiety and panic attacks were. Those have been gone for probably 5 years. But the feeling of having missed this one chance with somebody so amazing that was into me sometimes haunts me. In Autumn when it starts getting dark and cold.

But I remember the cool shit. The theatre, the walks, jumping in the lake when wearing interview clothes, the food, the beer, the stargazing...

I'm getting old. It's been a long time since I saw her last. But my memories are all that's left. She's gone and changed. I hope she's happy and that her farm idea is going well.

I gotta use the youth I have left before I look at myself in the mirror and see how fast everything has gone and how little I have really lived now that I actually can live a little.

I feel that my life has gone down the drain. I think millions share the feeling this year. Everything is difficult. I can't even talk about how I feel about things. I'm unable to. I just throw out little clues like this blog and hope for the best.

I'm just glad I have the strength to accomplish the stuff I have.

Mau

YEAH

So it's been quite a while since I updated this. Well, its not like anyone reads it anyway. I'm okay. After so long I regained my footing in life. Im not sure if I brought this up before- but in fall of 2016 I got a dog. And since then my life has been a little better day by day. My mind is a giant boulder again. Strong and unmovable.
I'm content with things.
Mau

Problems come in bunches

I need distance. I've noticed how hateful I've become. Speaking to the ex was a good idea. But I didn't think it would bug me that she moved on and I am still where I was.
Crippling depression is a thing. Thankfully not anxiety. I hate the panic attacks. But I'm semi-working on myself.
I need to determine what it is that I want of life. I hate that I am stuck living a life I hate. This whole working for a person that will treat me like an ass, whom I'll have to beg for permission to help at home, and whom I have to be grateful to for the money I fucking earn is killing me.
I'm in the wrong field and too far in to change paths. I'm fucked.
I hate that I want people. I try to reach out. But with exception of one or two people, nobody ever reaches out to me. Am I that disposable? inadequate? am I one in a dozen? is it all in my head?
I feel like garbage. Like, I'm not good for anyone. And this feeling grips me and sometimes manages to freeze me as I go grab the door knob to open the door and go out.
But as a man, I can't just open up. My friends already don't want me around, they'd want me around much less if they knew I'm this insecure. This is what losing things has made me.
I need to get back up. But for now life is drowning me one drop at a time.
I'm tired of reaching out.

Sudden turn for the suck

Yeah, my job didn't go well. It took them a year to find out that I wasn't what they wanted. Oh well, I guess this is all a learning experience.
The ex and I are in speaking terms. Knowing that she doesn't hate me is a weight off my shoulders. After all, she's a great person.
Anyway, fuck it, I gotta find stuff to do.
Mau

I've been well

I got a job, got my dog, she's an amazing animal and I am happy to have her. Work is well. This summer will be interesting.
Mau.

What a shit time.

So things have gone well. I have been trying to keep busy and see friends as much as possible. But there is still a big void that I'm trying to either fill or ignore.
I am not happy. I can fake happy. And it's fun. But I'm not happy. But whatever happens. I just gotta do whatever I have to do. That's what's worked in the past.
Mau.

Well, fuck the beast sideways and punch it in the head.

It's been a while since I updated this. I have been in pretty tough spots, and today I am in one of the roughest spots I've been in. I am happy with my girlfriend and that's a great thing. Though there are lingering memories of idiotic choices that still haunt me because of their current consequences. One of these is the choice of quitting the desiger gig I had a year ago. Yes, I got screwed over. And yes, I was mistreated. But I also was not smart enough. I wish I had been smart enough to be able to like, not necessarily control, but maneuver people better.
I need to learn to be smarter. I need to learn how people actually work. This way I can prevent decisions that have taken me to where I currently am.
Mau.