To CUPE 3903

Dear CUPE 3903:

My name is Mauricio Bastidas. Before I carry on to the main point of this note, I wanted to give a little background of my story. I graduated highschool in 2006 and did an extra semester in highschool to ensure that my marks were high enough for your standards. I was admitted to a program (that I forget at this point) in 2008, September. That’s when you happened.

You see, we are landed immigrants. I came from a low-income single-mother household. My brother and I are both thriving individuals looking to get our post-secondary education done, and I am finally finishing my education at another institution, after you singlehandedly destroyed whatever possibility of progress I had at York University.

OSAP never gave us enough importance. In fact, they split the fees into two semesters, when all the courses I had were year-long courses and had to be paid in one go. So everything was paid off and I got myself in further debt to be able to finance my books and transportation. I was very happy though. Up to you guys decided to go on an 85 day long strike, that is.

When you went on strike in 2008, I still had to eat and pay my bills, and I had no job. With a two hour trip to and from school every day, and hoping to get back to school any time soon, it’s very hard to find work. By the time the government forced you to get your inefficient commie workers back to work I was left with no funds whatsoever. My mother and brother filed bankruptcy and I could not afford getting on a bus to school. So, my choices were to either drop out or to get kicked out from academic penalty. And I thought I could go back to York eventually. However, I never saw a penny back from the school (but that’s a problem that I have with that institution). In addition to that, the financial ruin that I was left in because of your spoiled members wanting more benefits (than those that other teaching assistants and contract workers from other educational institutions get), it made me not be financially stable to get back into school until two years later.

I am now 25 years old and just finishing an advanced diploma, whereas if it hadn’t been for you and your lazy employees, I would have finished a BA and carried my way on to a Masters at this age.

So, what I am trying to say is this: I lost money. I lost time. I lost two years of my youth trying to square off that huge debt that I was left in because of you. I hope other students know how much of a scoundrel CUPE 3903 is. I hope they are smart enough to understand how your lazy commie screw up workers can come to screw somebody over this big. I hope that you believe in a God and that they punish you for having screwed over thousands of students for such vain claims.

May God be with you, for the students and the administration won’t.

Tags: York University, cupe 3903, strike, 2008, commie strike, York theft, TAs strike, TA’s strike, York strike, student life

Back to Snow White

Yeah, to everyone's surprise, we are together again. I hope I can ease my mind, leave what's done behind, and move on. This girl has been around for a while now. I'm surprised my indecision didn't push her away.

I guess she finally got tired and saw a way out.

I must admit that I wasn't kind to her. She moved on and found a way out of the nothing that I was giving to her. After all... I was scared and felt as if I couldn't trust her. She did dump me in the past, but she missed me again.  Well. What's lost is lost. I put myself in a very vulnerable position for almost a year and I'm glad the burn was now and not more attached.

But thanks for being there though. Being with you helped me a lot. You're a great person and deserve much better than what I was willing to give to you.  You're awesome. =]

Well, shit on me.

Man, my weight is out of control, I'm not working out, and I'm getting sick of the little shitty reminiscings I get every once in a while. Today at canadian fucking tire I saw some cow mitts that kalinka lost last year. And I got her some to replace them. And I remembered everything. I miss her. I wanted to message her asking when she's gonna be back in my life. Or if she would ever wanna be back in it again. But at the same time... for what? So I can get screwed over again? Fuck that. Man every time I blog I write about trying to get over Kalinka. It's been over a year. Fucking move on, man.
My longboard proyects seem more solid. I got a second board though. I know I won't be able to have a decent built for a home-made board because I have no space. However, in terms of the electronics of it, I can make the lights on the bottom of the boards, for safety and coolness' sake.

I guess I finally hit the enter button.

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OirMLBEU9Ec"
That's all I sent. I hope this one is doing fine. After all, regardless of the distance, I do care. Significantly less than I did before (I mean, I would've taken a bullet for Kalinka back then), but I do care still. I hope she's doing fine, that she isn't going through a rough patch, and that she doesn't blame the winter cold again on me.
Mau.

Lady of Winter and the cruelty of seasons.

It's getting cold again. I'm intending on making this winter different by taking on as many opportunities for snowbaording as I can. I wanted to longboard, but I got the board a bit too late in the year. Oh well. Today I feel kinda nostalgic and sad. However, the plans that are coming ahead, those make my life brighten.
I have realised that I am still not over Kalinka. The fact that I get relief in other ways doesn't make it easier anymore. I am easily wondering what I will be doing next and how I'm gonna get my feet out of this. It's been about a year of this new type of self-destruction.
And, lol, I'm getting mildly annoyed. I have a lot ahead, and I am risking too much with somebody that just doesn't cut it. In terms of Kalinka, I saw her for a few seconds. I smiled and she smiled back. In those few seconds I could see what I saw before. But something was different. I could also see everything I've lost because of her and how hard it has been to regain so little: how hard it has been to get back to where I was. Where I am.
The distance I've taken has made it bearable to take on longboarding.  And snowboarding- my white dream will happen this winter again. I hope this not-cold-not-warm state doesn't last long. I want snow, or I want warmth.
I want to travel and rebuild things again.

I'm sorta lonely.

In an effort to avoid ranting on Facebook, I deactivated it temporarily.

warming up to the cold

Mau, shut up.

Mau, Mauy Scarecrow.

I am thankful for the people that have decided to make me part of their lives and sharing their lives with me. I am thankful for the means I have and the choices I have made. Howerver, I do miss Kalinka. I do wish you were part of my life. But I cannot go find you. I wish you came back to my life.

One step forward, two steps back. A letter of self-burial.

Fuck you. Fuck you good. First off, would you be able to take seriously somebody that didnt let you kiss them, and that dumped you twice in two weeks? no, right? Well, neither can I. That's what I meant when I said I was scared of relationships. I was scared of what things could turn out with you. But even then, in my head, I was sizing everything you did. And I saw that you had a good heart, that you were a hard worker person, and that you didn't deserve the shitty things that have happened to you.
I was getting used to you. And you do what, the saaaaaaaaame shit you did before. I am glad I didnt fall again you. I might be angry now, but I am leaving with the upper hand, just like I walked in. Enjoy your misery. I'll enjoy my anger.

oh autumn glory (or how I rode the bus until the last stop)

In terms of the lesson that my friend Adam taught me, I think I did well. The difference between the sniveling coward and the manly man. This bus ride lasted until the end. Notice I didn't say "bitter end". I always had the upper-hand.

I gotta find me another adventure to see what happens. I doubt it will be soon. After all, I don't have time to give to anybody. Anyway.

idk what to say, I'm at work.

Mau.

I dont feel good

I'm really sick and my anger is through the roof... I also broke the cable remote controller. Fuck...

Screw you, men's fashion.

Apparently, a fashiony red men's jacket is non-existant. Really, what the hell?

According to fashion, I am morbidly obese. Extra-large sizes fit 6 foot men at 176 lbs. I know how much weight I have to drop, but fuck, how much muscle mass would a guy like me have to drop to find a fucking trendy jacket? AND IT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING RED. WHAT THE HELL.

Tough choices

I regret my words now. Oh well. Stick with it. If she wants you, she will stay around. You already did everything you could.

Hey Mau

It's never too late to quit wasting your time messaging kalinka. 

September kicks me in the jaw.

Memories of last crushes come to mind. I always wanted to take kalinka to the Toronto international film festival. Or to spend all of super crawl with her. Meanwhile I'm wasting myself on a bad past that brought nothing but sour moments and regretful sex.

God damn Mau, we hit high and we hit low in the same week. 

lol.

I might seem a humourless downer sometimes. Maybe now that I am having a bit of a high point I am seeing flaws in weaker people.

A good friend of mine whom is going through a tough time is writing poetry and stuff while "dealing" with his problems. After months of unemployment, he finally got off his ass and got a job. I'm glad for him and all. Work is always good. However, bud, and I say this from the bottom of my heart: writing poetry and making yourself seem a martyr while you aren't dealing with your shit like you have done in the past year isn't the way to go, as you just noticed. See? You got off your ass and fixed a problem.

Maybe I'll need to read my own advice in the future.

Anyway. Things are going great. I am keeping my job, work is okay with me missing for a day per week for school, things are going well.

I'm seeing oportunities of doing things just to be able to tell the story later. I think that's a new thing for me. I want to have stories to tell. 

Man, people are such a piss-off sometimes.

For some reason, when I'm feeling sorta down or lonely, I like watching Dredd. Whatever works for me, right?

meh.

Friday night was great. I saw Vishal and Kalinka for a brief moment. It was okay.
I learned that Hamilton gives me anxiety not only because of those personal problems, but because I have been stranded there. And I was once again, except I paid a cab to get back home. It was fine though. I think my anxiety is receeding.

калинка моя!

God damn, Kalinka, it's been over a year and I still wish I saw your awkward smile when I'm looking at you. Your energy is something that I loved. How much energy you propagate, and how little you seemed to take from the world. Like an engine giving you more energy than that which you put into it. You took so little from the world and gave so much back. You made my days shorter and full of wonder.

I should probably just forget and move on. It sucks that my life doesn't have anything to do with yours, and in all luck, our paths won't cross again. Because you had your chance. I can't stick around and get hurt over wishful thinking. You know where I am, and trust me, I'll be happy if you ever come back. I won't find you. I'm okay at a distance.

Lol, I want attention.

Just not from where I'm actually getting it.

I like the fact that somebody wants to hug me and tells me that they want me. Yet, my head tends to wander because I cannot reciprocate. I want to be somewhere else with somebody else, not hiding anything.
I'm screwed. Now that it's a few weeks until I'm back at the flat tip of The Hammer, I don't think my anxiety is necessarily gone. As soon as I saw the name written down, it came back. I was more mature about it. After all, time does heal a bit and teaches us more than we really want. But it was there.
Maybe I should pull the fucking tampon out and grow some balls.

To make it clear: I am not comfortable doing what I'm doing with whom I'm doing it with. I would much rather it was kalinka.

Okay, I admit to having freaked out.

I just didn't know what to expect. Being that as it may, I am pretty deep in an it's complicated situation with my ex. I'm not scared of shit. At least not right now. I spoke to Dee. She's always right. She said what I was thinking- that all I can do is calm down and learn from it. That's what I'm trying to do. Some day, all of this will come in handy. I mean, experience is experience, right? Life is a learning experience.

Oh wow.

I really am not ready for this. I have been a stone for the past eight months, and as soon as I see your name and something along the lines of "it's complicated" made me go back to the anxiety I felt last year. I am scared shitless. I don't think I am ready for that. I don't wanna go back to where I was.
I thought I had become stronger. Maybe I have, just in different ways. But I do know that you are not what I need, but what I should avoid. Your voice can only take me back to worlds of suffering.
I need distance. I need my anger back. It's what's always worked.
Fuck, what am I gonna do in one month...
I am scared. I'm a big muscular dude scared of something he can't control.
Haha, life would be so sweet. I need to stop all of this business. I need to stop the x-factor, the jelly-beans factor, and the Lions problem. I need to find my strength on my own. I just hope I can be strong enough to venture out there and find it.
Fuck, I sound like a wuss. Why am I so freaked out? I don't need this. I don't want this.

The time is almost up. I'll have to go back and face my anxiety factors. Fuck, I hate to admit to being cared shitless.

I am getting lonely and tired of complaining.

Judge Dredd, and the Colombian Independence Day celebration.

too different .____.
The newer Dredd, idk what it is about this movie, it fills space. I like it.

I went to the celebration for the colombian independence day. It was interesting. I hadn't seen so many colombian people gathered in peace in one place. It sorta made me smile a bit, though honestly I didn't want to be there at all.
Oh well, it was an experience. 

I need to get out.

Last night, out of whatever reasons, I ended up cleaning the entire first floor. I was mainly pissed off. I am a bit angry. I want to get out and meet new people. I need to put myself out there, lest I end up stuck where I am.
I am going to stop this ex crap. After all, it's not convenient. It scares me. Every single time. I'm better off on my own, and then I can just put myself out there and see what happens.

THIS IS AWESOME

http://archiveofourown.org/works/326941/chapters/527118?show_comments=true#comment_3827688

oh wow xD

One word has the power of adding a bit of anxiety and happy wishes for myself.

Mmmmmm.

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Its dark red and green colours attract to me like two opposite polarities of rare earth magnet, attracting each other- destroying everything between them. This wondrous white label on a dark surface, almost wanting me to wonder how much work has gone behind this masterpiece.
I hear a slight crackling sound as its head twists. My God, the taste to come. Wonderful memories of the years where specific rains gave every minute of dedication to a future yet to come.
It's pouring. My life pours down a slim neck into a tiny container, reminding me of how we are trapped in life, a tiny container, with certain crystal clear limits of where we can go and what we can go.
Divine.
And suddenly a new feeling begins to build up. Like the fruit of passion among two creatures that love each other, trying to hold on, gripping, trying to make themselves become one. How unfortunate, for they won't ever be able to.
But I can. I can have this. I can get away, for it's in my power, and I can make this become part of me. Its energy flowing through my body, warming up every square inch of my skin.
And then I get lightheaded because I had too much wine.
lol

damn summer

Yeah, the loneliness kinda kicks in as I see these very happy couples walking down the beach. I'm glad I have work, and that it has got very stressing. That way I have enough stressful things to think about and not focus on the fact that I want another reason to brush my teeth and dress well.
Last friday was the first day of summer. Summer solstice, the longest day of the year, the shortest night, and I missed letting somebody know of all natural phenomena I am aware of, including this short night. Friday I spent alone. Probably Satireday and Soonday as well. Great names. Great times.
I think better on my own. I think happier with people. I need to straighten my life first.
Mau, shut up and do your work.

I love my job, I wanna be there. I wish I was there today.

I sort of miss you and your crazy life.

Today's summer solstice: the first day of summer and the longest day with sunlight. I miss you whenever I think of these natural events. Remember, looking at stars.

Drunken single-serving friend, the wonders of a shitty night.

I think he wanted me to hang out. His name was Luke, potentially Skywalker.
Anyway, look had a shitty night. However, while mine was mostly family related problems, his problems were much bigger. He is right now probably at Jack Astors getting completely hammered and then crashing at a hotel. Relationship stuff gone more sour than five month old milk.
I offered him a light to light his smoke, and that struck up our conversation, which I didnt keep going. Why, because I am the most antisocial person I know. Instead of opening my world back to his, I split in a general to-the-lake direction, and disregarded the fact that Luke didnt have any company either.
Ah, shit. I guess it happens.
Luke, I hope you're doing well, bud. It was really nice talking to you.

Heroes of May.

My intention wasn't to write another rant. I've written this three times and keep erasing. Instead, I'll just enjoy my wine and watch antiviral.
             While the wolf isn't home.

I wonder how many posts I've made are called "yeah yeah"

So, it's been a while. I'm okay. State of mind is awesome, within what's normal. Very lively, a bit lonely, but too busy to notice or pay attention to it. Jilly will be gone to Europe some time soon, for two weeks. I guess I'll have to find people to hang out with. I can't just depend on the one insane chick to hang out with during those days. What in crikey fuck lol. But oh well, what happens happens. 

Work is going okay. I feel I am on top of things again. I'm debating about my future in terms of school. I'll drop four months of work and go to school for two semesters. Then, the big question: university, or work? I don't wanna be JUST a technologist. I want to be the man. I think that's what I will be. Damn, man. 

Oh Mau Mau, miserable times.

'Tis been months since I last had a conversation with my brother. It's very sad that we live under the same roof, and to him it's like I didn't exist. I didn't want shit to turn out like this. I'm upset. And tired. I am short of breath. I hadn't been like this in years. I'm back to an asthmatic child full of insecurities and loneliness from this. Fuck, I want to get on a train and never look back.
I can't wait until September. I will go back to school and when I am done next April I will just pack my shit and leave. I can't live like this. He has fucked up my life many times, I don't want my life to be a constant failure because of him.
Fuck... I'm so angry...

Yeah yeah

I love it when I am able to predict the outcome of something. It makes things much easier for me.

I want a tamagotchi! or a DS with pokemon so I can have a pokewalker.

This upcoming week, there will be a poker-walk activity thing. You have to walk a certain distance every week. Every certain distance you get a card. You can walk more to change cards. And yadda yadda yadda. This made me want a pedometer. And then I thought of Mel and her pokewalker, that she kept in her hat. And it made me want a pokewalker, lol. 

And then I found out that Tamagotchi has a TamaWalkie! I WANT ONE OF THOSE TOO.

In the midst of me wanting a pet, I think I can settle for a tamagotchi for now. =D

Yeah... this sucks.

I guess I'm better off without my teacher. I ran into him today, and man, was I happy to see him. But then, when I went to say hi, he just spoke to me like some random. Kinda sucks, when you realize how shitty an impression you've left behind, or how little you mean to a person. Oh well, it's fine. I'm good.

Being sick makes me feel lonely.

I think I've got back to where I was: to being a self sustainable being without as many needs as before. However, being sick, especially as sick as I am right now, makes me understand that this mask isn't gonna last long. Life is pretty sad without somebody else wanting you to get better.
Maybe I'm just being a wuss. I couldn't work today. I was too sick for it. If I don't feel better by 5 am, that will be 200 off my paycheque next week.

Another attempt for closure

Yesterday I saw my dear and goodly beloved what's-her-face, the one I've basically made my life miserable for more than the past year. You know, distance is a wonderful thing. After what I saw yesterday, I think things were too different. Her beauty, and everything, seemed different. I still saw what I liked, but not how I liked it. I think I have changed. I think she has changed. And I think it's good.
I think, I think, I think. Everything has to be about me. After all, I'm not unhappy on my own, just lonely. I'm everything I have. I best keep it in good condition and love me.
My body is my temple, and no matter how many curses there are, my temple is perfect. Aim for perfection. Reach up. Find a new limit. Destroy it.

Yesterday, after having lunch with her, I had an appointment. I am not in academic probation anymore. And then I proceeded to drink my life away and dance like there was no tomorrow. God, was it beautiful. So much flesh moving to the same heart beat, and I was part of it.

DEAR GOD WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO and Happy Easter

OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK I DEFINITELY WENT ALL BRITNEY SPEARS AND NOW I HAVE NO HAIR ON MY HEAD, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, I CANT WAIT FOR IT TO GROW BACK, I FEEL LIKE A WEIRD BUG.

I have decided to cut the shit with my ex and just focus on what matters to me, which is myself. A very wise friend of mine brought up the possibility of her doing a psychotic scene in front of anybody that could potentially matter. I shouldn't "touch that [even] with somebody else's dick", so I will just follow what my wise friend has said, and just leave that behind. I can't risk that much with somebody whose presence I don't really enjoy even. Same goes for a specific friend I have that I want to back off from. But that's beside the point.

"If you don't like her, stop sticking your dick in her."

The other friend has repeatedly butchered those words, repeating them about the one person that I have potentially treasured the most so far.

"So, this one, do you wanna stick your dick in her, or do you not wanna stick your dick in her"

Things aren't always about wanting to stick my dick into a woman. There's other things. There's the fact that she knows so much more, that I would love to get lost in a strange city with her, as long as I can also get lost in her eyes. And I'm daydreaming again.
I am very confused as to the purpose for which that dearly beloved good-dear-old-what's-her-face, somebody that I respect and treasure very much, wants to see me again. I don't want to day dream again, or to check my phone 500 times every hour to see if she has messaged me. It's not right.
However, I do admit that I want to see her. It's been months since I have had my dose of wreck-me-up and paint-me-stars. I will get attached again, and I will treasure every second I have with her again, based on an idea that's just in my head and not hers. I don't want to get to that point again, if she's that addictive to me.
I'm depressive sometimes, when I realise how lonely this world is, how little I have, and how much I treasure that bit I got. I am what's left of what once was steel. I am easy to shape now. I'm not strong anymore. I'm tired of being a rock for others to lean on. I want other people to fight; I'm done fighting. I'm what's left after the rain washes away. I'm a drunken hipster drinking merlot and listen to records while attempting to clean his room and failing at it.
Mau the scarecrow

"Should've, could've, would've, those only pop up after the facts are in. Crap."

I thought I was done with the moments that taste like copper in one's thirsty mouth. All of a sudden, it feels like an angry Bedouin machine operator had shoved a handful of copper shavings and sand in my sandwich and made me eat it, and I have no choice but savour every gram of that metal and sand mixture, until I finally quit refusing and eat this delightful meal.

I had not given this much thought. I thought that large doses of distance and time would heal me up, but all it did was put them aside. 

All I was doing was reading some old messages. I deleted most of them, so I have no recollection of what was said. I can't necessarily examine it to try and find clues hidden in her words. If she ever gave any. I just couldn't read her. Only one remains. One of a time which I probably killed whatever was there by attacking her passions- a better world. I attacked the good intentions she had. Stupid me, I could only see her good intentions.

I tried to apologize. But I just couldn't make it good enough to repair whatever was there. If there was anything at all.

What hurts me now is that I never left that door open. I didn't know how. I was scared. After all, that was the only time I pursued somebody. The other times, things just happened. And just a few days ago, while having a conversation full of stories with bad endings, it all came back to my head, leaving my eyes watery, my lips dry, and my head feeling like I had drank too much.

I want to open that door again. I wish I could turn things back to a year ago, before I fucked shit up. 

I'm at work. Every drop of saliva feels sour. I feel like I'm gonna start being the insecure child I was when I was around her.

I can't afford this. 

I put my mask back on, and my own emotions towards somebody that probably doesn't care are shattering it, showing my own damn insecurities.

To think that for a while, while I had your interest, I had everything I could possibly want.

lol, im yellow.

I have decided that I'm not moving out. I feel like a coward because of the fact that I was scared and didn't move out, but I also feel like I am the biggest shit-stirrer upper. I'm not moving out without at least making a huge shit-storm. And I'm ready for it. Because I'm the youngest one for a reason. I can stir shit up whenever I want. I can do it. And I will if it's necessary. Also, I got a record player with the money I was trying to save. :3

Well, crap.

After discussing almost every night for, what, almost years, a conversation led to it being official that I'm moving out. I guess now there is just no turning back. I'm not scared, just really sad. I didn't want to move out in this current situation. I wanted to move out when I felt I was ready, not when I feel that moving out is the only way to keep whatever is left of my sanity. Tomorrow I'll have a look at some room that's close to my workplace.
Kinda feels like I don't belong anywhere. But I gotta find where I can be in peace.
Doing this, I will probably lose the few friends I got. I'll have to start everything from zero.
Shit, I hope this turns out well. 

You adorab

Only God nows how many neurons I killed last night. I drank myself stupid and started conversations with some people that seemed to basically disagree with the colour of my skin.
While I loved every single moment I spent with my friends, I couldn't help but overthink. I seem to be only happy when I work and when I am with friends. As soon as distractions go away, or as soon as I am not busy, that's when those retarded thoughts come back to my head.
Fuck, it's been a few months already. I sure would like to reach out again, but as soon as I plan it, I think that I need to move on, that it hurts like a bitch still, and that I need distance.
What doesn't help either is that my friend's girlfriend is trying to hook me up with whatever thing she deems "right", regardless of what they look like.
I know I'm not necessarily good, but I won't be any better having to deal with somebody I would feel no attraction for.
Anyway.
We had a terrible waitress last night. She got the four-star treatment, courtesy of both the guys and the ladies. I think she will remember us.
After that, we went to good old Clancy's. Great times at that place. Great times, overdrinking.
In the midst of terrible drunkenness, I aparently messaged somebody that I really shouldn't have. But it's okay. I passed out then. Then woke up, had water, apologised that drunken text, and continued to sleep. I must have slept for 15 hours. Don't remember any dreams. Sometimes I don't think I have any. I just remember dreaming when I slept over at Alicia's.
Today, Molly, a really cute girl I met a while back, she suggested that I try a different brand of merlot. I must say, shit's awesome. And she has a cute smile. It made my wine better.
I cooked meatza too. It turned out great.
my ideas are all half-thought today, it must be a hung over thing

lol, happy V8 morning.

It's 7:50 ish am. I have got to work and have 10 minutes, and figured I would write something instead of mindlessly stare at the corner behind my computer at work for the next 10 minutes.
So, V8. A lot of people has fallen for the way they advertise their products as being healthy and stuff. Even I fell for it. And I was gonna put this in my work out blog thing. However, due to how I'm gonna put it, and what else is gonna be on this post, I figured  I might as well make a fucking joke out of it. Now that I have drank my last V8 juice.
V8 juice, splash, berry blend.
Yes, they said this stuff was healthy and yadda yadda yadda. And I bought it today at this Asian lady's store thingy at the train station.
The lady was nice. Well, she always is. She has a reason to. She's getting rid of her overpriced fruit punch and taking my money.
So I bought this bottle of delicious V8 juice. And since I have been rather freaking out about what I look like, I thought I'd have a look at the nutrition facts.
Now, pick your poision. On the left corner, verybody's favourite since 1886, Coca Cola classic. On the right side, so-called healthy beverage, a bottle of V8 juice.
355 ml of coca cola have 160 calories, 40 miligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbs of which 42 are sugars (lol, I wasn't expecting fibre in thatone) and zero grams of protein. Which just makes sense. Coca-cola has been advertised as a pleasure drink. Sugar-watery goodness.  "Not a significant source of saturdated fat, trans fat, cholesterol, fibre, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium, or iron."
Again, just makes sense.
Now, HALF a bottle of V8 splash berry blend. It says it's an excellent source of vitamin C.
Keep in mind, HALF a bottle.
HALF a bottle has 110 calories, 45 miligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbs from which 27 grams are sugars, zero protein. Vitamin A, 45% of your daily dose, vitamin C, 90% of your daily dose.
Whether the sugar was added or not, ONE BOTTLE, NOT HALF, has 54 grams of sugar.
The vitamins, well, most people take suplements, do they not?
I might as well put a drop of those concentrated vitamin C in a can of coca-cola.
I didn't think I would ever say this, but what is marketted as a healthy beverage that's shown like if it was made of fruits, its made all from concentrates. I basically paid $2.50 for overpriced fruit punch. Tasted just like kool-aid brand fruit punch.
 
Or I could do what Mrs. Speedy Gonzales did on the train at 7am, which was to have her favourite drink riiiiiiight on schedule. MORNING SAMBUCA.
I sure hope that her job is a brain-dead one in which no lives depend on her, lest she kill all of her coworkers due to a slight case of morning intoxication.
From now on, I will not bitch so much about sugars in coca-cola. This is surprising.
Coca-cola, I still love you.

It's not depression.

What it is is just a bit of a heightened sense of awareness of how I have wasted my life trying to get those people I want, even if they don't reciprocate any feelings. I am sick of it. I am here for myself. That's what it's all about: me.

Bah.

I don't know why my depression has been kicking in again. I feel kinda lonely and down over stupid things. I realised that the only people I feel comfortable talking to is jilly.
I'm back to putting on that fake mask at work and everywhere whenever there's people. A stupid mask. Damn, I need to cut the crap.

lol

Just what I needed

Time and distance are awesome. I'm back on my feet again. I feel I'm actually going somewhere.
Mau