"Should've, could've, would've, those only pop up after the facts are in. Crap."

I thought I was done with the moments that taste like copper in one's thirsty mouth. All of a sudden, it feels like an angry Bedouin machine operator had shoved a handful of copper shavings and sand in my sandwich and made me eat it, and I have no choice but savour every gram of that metal and sand mixture, until I finally quit refusing and eat this delightful meal.

I had not given this much thought. I thought that large doses of distance and time would heal me up, but all it did was put them aside. 

All I was doing was reading some old messages. I deleted most of them, so I have no recollection of what was said. I can't necessarily examine it to try and find clues hidden in her words. If she ever gave any. I just couldn't read her. Only one remains. One of a time which I probably killed whatever was there by attacking her passions- a better world. I attacked the good intentions she had. Stupid me, I could only see her good intentions.

I tried to apologize. But I just couldn't make it good enough to repair whatever was there. If there was anything at all.

What hurts me now is that I never left that door open. I didn't know how. I was scared. After all, that was the only time I pursued somebody. The other times, things just happened. And just a few days ago, while having a conversation full of stories with bad endings, it all came back to my head, leaving my eyes watery, my lips dry, and my head feeling like I had drank too much.

I want to open that door again. I wish I could turn things back to a year ago, before I fucked shit up. 

I'm at work. Every drop of saliva feels sour. I feel like I'm gonna start being the insecure child I was when I was around her.

I can't afford this. 

I put my mask back on, and my own emotions towards somebody that probably doesn't care are shattering it, showing my own damn insecurities.

To think that for a while, while I had your interest, I had everything I could possibly want.