Watts the manipulator

Today I have noticed how much of a manipulator he is. His friends are rather his followers who do everything he wants. He pointed at a controller and at a screen, and next thin you know, the two followed did as he pointed.
I sure hope what's her face didn't fall into his greasy fat ugly disgusting person pile of faeces charm.

What can I do if your eyebrows are perfect?

I have definitely wasted this past year on you. And it's fucked me up big time. I am a train wreck. I am what's left after a building burns. I am the sorrow of the families that survived. I am an emotional mess.
And yes, at this point it's all about me. I am done thinking and caring about you. I just need closure. And I might be able to get it shortly.
One bit of luck is what I need. Luck, and 12 months of distance, baby.
Time and distance fixes things. I just need to fix myself up.
Dime que crees.
Maybe then I'll get what the fuck is in your head. You already got tired and replaced me. I still have not who I can trust and love.

I have openly admitted anxiety problems

Maybe I have been too much. Maybe I do need to reach out for help instead of making me into a ball and refusing existence.

I can't focus again

Thermo test on Tuesday.
This run will be fucked.
I miss the dearly beloved what's-her-face, but I don't wanna talk to her. I am in a seriously fucked state.
Mau

Hͫ̏͝e͖̯̙̼̣̍́ ̻̞̹͊̈̋̂ͯc̬̠͈̔ͪ̓̓͑o̹͈͙͍̓ͣ̒̂͛͑ͫ͢m̶̥̩̰̔ͣͦe̋̏̋̏҉̖ṡ̫̪̙̭̲̤̄̀͆ͥͦ̎ ̙̬̃͑͐̋ͯ̎̚͡t̴̪͓͔̬̦̹̱ͦ͗o͒ ̰̫̖̓̑̑͠ė̂̒͒͆͐҉̹̬̯̤mb̙͂͊̂̀r̖͎̤̺̟̀a͙̤̣̤ͪ͐cͬ̂̓͌̇ͪͨ͏͓͔ͅé̈́ͭ̃̍ u̟͉̱̇͂̀s͇͖̤͇̯̱̮
̡͙̰̾̂͌A̤̰̾̿ͣͦͥͭ̐n̺͇̮̖̥̳̍̋͑͐ͬd̷̺̗͚͖͉̀ͭͨ͗́ ̳̞̦̝̈h̭̤̺͉̉̓̐̒̈́e̫̖̯̒̚͝ ̪̙̻̦͕͢s̡͕̤̻̼̪ͧ͋h̫̲̎͑ͩͣ̅͑̀a͓̰͛͗ͫ̑ͥ͗͟l̡͂͑͌̐͑̚l̬̮̝̬̰ͣ̀̎͠ ̘̒̈́͐ͩ̍͢i̪̠͇̥̋̋͆̒̑͂̾n͚͚̰͕̪͆gͪ̎̚҉̝̹̜e̷̫̪̮͕͈̻̤ͥ̂̋̃s͎̰ͯͤ͂̒ͫ̌͊͢t͙̖͖̣̖͎̏ͬͭ̓̈̓ ̼̣͎̰̟͈͍͂ͣ͛̒ͨ̕o̦̖ù͙͔͎̼̚r̪̖ͨ͆̿ͯ͆ ͔̹̰͜s̤

̘o̻͈͡ṵ͐̔l͚͇̭͙̐ͯ̌̒s̰̰̰͂ͥ̒͆̀.̿҉̫͎
̺͎̙̤̣ͤͮͩ̃T̆̏ͮ̅́͆h̩̗̩̦̃̚ẹ̛̝̳̱ͮ͑̍̏r̜̊e̟̮̖̣̹ͯ ̠̻̘̞̭͂̈̎͒͋ͬ͂͝i̱ͭ̃͆ͨs̞̫ͤ̆ ̛̬̬̘͇̲̏͑ͥͭ͆̿̒n̅̕oͪͮͯ̊ ̤̘̫͚̜̞̗̋ͯe̠͙͎̦̺̲̬s̤̮ͤ͋̓c͍̅̔ͨ͂ͧa̴̠͈ͯp̉̓̃ͥ̅ͨi͎͖̙͂̂̀̄ͦ̇̈́n̷͚̜̐̒̔ͮ̃̿̓g͏̞̼̖͉ ̷̹͇̯͚̞̳ͫ̒ͤ̈́ͅh̘̄ͯͫͬͨͧiͥ̇̃ͩ͋̽ș̲̘͓̻̙̺ͥ̄͋͐̏̾̔ ̦̙̤͂ͤc̻̙̭̤̳̻̱͗̂̊̏̃r̼͎̲̹̆͐ụ͍͉͂͗ͯ̇͡ḑ̜͕̫̻͓̌ͤ̈e͓̦̹ͭ͆͂ͭ͛ͯ̀ ̷̠̼̖̪̜ͫ̈̆ͪl͍̜̼̦̥̎͛̇ͣ̉ͨ̚o̭̬̩̞̊̇͗̏̏͋v̤̽̄ͥ̎̉͟e͕͈͎.̫̩͖̥̫̠̂͂̀
̥͉͈͖̥ͬ̈͊̓̊ͬ̔T̹̹̭̝̜̂̊ͭ̏̍̃͟h̫͙ͦ̎͌ͧ͊͗ę͖͎ͬ̉̾ͬͮͨr̛͉͇͙ͥ̏̂e͇͖͖̝̼̺͙̍͋ ͎̘͓i̜ͯ̄͞s̝̱̪̃ͣͨ ͇̌ͯ̀̂͆ͦ̚n̜̤͇͛̉̊͗̈ơ͐̿̅̾̽̚ ͔̯̹̌̈́̅̿͋͗͗͢e̛ͣ̐̈ͮ͒ͬ̉s͉ͬ̒͌͋ͤć̡͈̹̙̥̣̲̿̐a̞̻͓̘̲͖͙̾p͚̄̿̈́ͯ̓i͂̿͌n̥̲̻̮̙͎g̡̙̖͍̗̒ ͍̜̔ͧt̤͔̜̳͔͚̣ͤͨ̒ͧ͗ͩ̌h̷̺̺̣̳̪̠͎͒̇̎ͬ͒̅i̔̂͐̓͆̉͐͢s̛̪͔̲̲͚̋̋ ͇̺́̄̄͐͂̏̅c͗̏ͥ̓̅͋ͭ҉̯͍͇̪͇r͖͉̭̪͍̣̮̊̔̂̏̓ͩ͢u͕ͦ͜ë͉̠̟́̕l͌̋ͭ͏͖͍͉ͅ ̸̏͒͗ͮ͋ͮ̚f̔ͣ͐͌̓͌̚͟a̢̗͚̞̫ͧͧ͛̊ͬ̅t̺̜ͪ̈̿͐̚͞e͐҉̝.̘ͨͯ͆̑̕
̴͍͎̙͖̲͛ͤ̚H̨͎̯̘̦̐̈ͣ͒̇̚̚e̥̦̟̖̹͞ ̫̰͓̣͈̙͍͗̍̋ͪͩw̎҉h̘ͬͧ̈́ͫ͡ò̢͓̱̬̤̣͇̙̾̾͊́ͮ ̸̳͓̎͌͑̾̚w̅͋ͬ͒͏̪͓̲͉̰͔̯a̗̺͎i̯̲̘̲ͦͭ̈́́͜ͅt͇̘̠ͩͪ̇ͬ͂͝s̲̪̥͇̠̘͔̐͗ͫ̔̈́̋̎ ̢̫̘̿͗b̍͆ͭͤe̶͖͖̳ͩ̑ͯͅh̳̟̙̼͊̋ͩi̧͚̜͗̽ͦ̑n̨ḑ̝̪̃ͭ ̲͉̖̈͛͌͋ͦt̰̮͈̬̯͕ͦ̿ͭ͒̽h̹̰̤̦ͬ̃͢e̦ͯ w̟̙̙̻͗̇͆a̬̘̤̪̬̯͊ͨl̳͑͐̌̊̇l̡͓͖̤͗̆
̜͓̫̫̼̆ͥ̽ͪ̏ͫI̦͙̦̩̥͕s̖̝̦̟͈̆͆ ̻̰͖̖͔̣ͅn̷̳ͪ͒̚ȯ̴͈̫̞̝̙̙̦̇ẁ̸̻̣̞ͦ̍͌̿̐̄ ̬̺̭̫͇̞͔ͮ̿̽͆̅̇f͍̪̝̰̐ͩ̀i͟l̶͍͙̰̻̦ͣ̈͗͆l̪̳̱̣̔̔͜i͈̜̣̼͒̊͒̈́͋̇̆n̍̈͋g͈̗̲͙ͧͭ̍̊ͩ ̛̭͓͎̹̇ͫ̑ͦͫͅt͙̬͙͈̲͑́̅ͯ̑ͭͫh͕͉̗̩͓͎͉i͎̫s̸̃ͯͭͧ ̥͕̤͉ͤ̊ͩ͘é̙̋ͥͯͬͮ̍n̦̥͚̬̹͐͐t̩͍͖͋͋̇̾ͪi͍̊̌̆͆ͥ̚r̭̲̮̽̂͒ͧͮͨe̛͍̼̜͔̦͙ͥͫ͒̽ͤͬ ̵p̍͏̤͚͚̖͇ľ̇a̗̘̮̅̒c̹ͤ͒ͮͣ͑̽ĕ͉̪̇̾́̿.̤̖͉̽̄̆̄͑͞
̭̣̣̮̜̲̔̏̃ͤ̊̚Z̫̩̭̙̦̋̑͠A̷̺͚͕͔̪̹̔͌̊ͬ̌͌̌L̥̬̮̤̘͂ͨ͗ͩ͜G̨͔̪̲̰̮̒̓̾Ǫ͚

Well, how about that!

Today I ran into the dearly beloved what's-her-face that's made my days impossible. It seems that regardless of anything, I should not consider her a friend for she can't do the same. My days are long, and apparently it takes a large amount of stress to make me forget about her to focus on the things that I'm stressing about. Great.
In the midst of engineering drawings and random ass dimensionless parts, I have found more rejection from my classmates than I thought. Yes, I surely made my one friend back, but he's still distant. I lost that guy, the rest of the guys, and Liz.
She mattered to me. A lot. I don't just get off a bus in the middle of nowhere to see somebody.
I guess I can be easily replaceable to her. But I don't care anymore. I have to focus on myself. After all, I'm the only person that's never gonna leave me, right?
Anyways, I have to finish my drawings.

Lol

I wish I could log out of life.
And eventually when I feel like checking my messages, log back in.

"You deserve someone you feel compliments you, not just someone who fills the void."

Ryan, if you ever come across this blog, I want you to know how much I appreciate you. You, regardless of distance and of whether we keep in touch or not, are somebody that makes this everything worth it. It's been a pleasure meeting you years ago, and it's been my honour being your friend. I can't wait to see you next.
Same Jay. Dude, you're one of the most loyal friends I have had. I'm glad we met.
You guys are great people and deserve the best.
I miss you guys.

It's when we have lost it all

That we are free to do anything we want.

Yeah, yeah.

Experiment of the day: will beer mix well with vodka, creme de cocoa, creme de menthe, and french onion soup.
I don't feel good. I felt my first drink.
I tried writing a poem, but I can't do those anymore.
Alicia is so talented, I can't believe words flow like that.
And then there's me struggling to even straighten my own thoughts.
Ah, numbers. My numbers. I'm stuck with them.
Numbers seem to be the language I can speak now.

Lol my numbers were wrong today. This test is gonna cost me big time.
And this beer is gonna give me a headache.

Quit thinking of those that broke you.
Quit living in fear of losing that which you never had.

And right about now, I can't help but think to myself
LOL BEER AND VODKA AND CREME DE COCOA AND CREME DE MENTHE AND FRENCH ONION SOUP DONT MIX WELL.

Insignificantly enough?

I can't write poems for shit. I used to a while back. My thoughts are still dark. And all I can think of is your smile when I've made you smile, or when you have an awkward moment and your nervous smile pops up. I'm sick of having you in my mind. I love you too much. I'm sick of making bad decisions.
And now I'm far. I can't have you, and you can't have me. I feel nothing for the one that has me. I don't wanna hurt her, but I think I am going to.
I wanna leave. I wanna leave the representatives and your structure. I want to leave everything behind.
I want to pack my backpack and go far far away.
I want to be so far, that being far is everything that's in my head.
I want to feel "how am I gonna get home?" and "where am I going to sleep?"
I wanna feel "where can I find a blanket?" and "are there wolves nearby?" again.
Maybe if my head is full of "do I have money for dinner?" and "should I sleep under that tree?", maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking about you and start thinking about me.

I can put a smile and face everything like I've always done. When I do it, things happen.
For example, I am with a very good looking girl (that I don't want) now. I made up with a friend I felt close to ages ago. I earned his respect again after I betrayed him, and it makes me very happy. I am back in capoeira, and I don't feel the need of meeting new people. Since I got my friend back, I don't feel the need of acceptance anymore. Their love-full rejection is all I want. I just want them to be around, even if it's full of "Mau what the fuck?" moments.

I want to be made of wood. Or stone, or steel. I want to pass the test that the sands of time have prepared for us. I want to remain when everything falls.

Unfortunately, with the way things are going, I am put in a more fragile spot than the worse ones I've been before. On Thursday, I have an appointment for me to spill my guts out to somebody I don't know, hoping for understanding. If I open up, that is. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.
I can't put myself down on paper. I am really not a downer like this blog indicates.
I enjoy life. I enjoy being able to walk, breathe, have a smoke, eat, sleep.

I need to study. I don't know if I even would want you to find out about this blog. Ever since I opened up to you, the friend-zone took over. I rather keep my distance and save myself the little bit of dignity I have left.
After all, one of the things I have realized is that every man has secrets that he should die with.

I don't know what i am doing.

Mau

Maybe I see things differently.

Capoeira isn't what it used to be. I see everything that's wrong. That, and the advanced students are the same dirt they have always been. I will keep on training, but I sure don't feel like doing open houses, batizados, and other events.

Lol I hope the girl never finds about this blog

Just saying
I am somewhat almost very uncomfortable with all this. I mean, I've been easy, but damn, I've hit a new low. xD
Mau

Made a bad call

I don't think i am happy with the end result of this belittling clusterfuck.
Still feel inadequate.
Mau.