Ho ho fucking ho.

In an attempt to not ruin christmas, I have decided to postpone it and deem this an undefined holiday. I will make my christmas on january 25th and new years on january 31st. This has been a failure of magnificent proportions. My body schedule is messed up, I am broke, my family treats me like a kid, my guineapig is gonna kick the bucket some time soon, and I have gained weight. Lol, fun.
I start coop on January, for four months unless I fuck up and get fired. Hopefully it doesnt get to that extent. I mean, reducing my possibilities of getting a significantly paid coop would somewhat slightly decrease my possibilities of having a fun time.
I've come to realise how limited I am in terms of people. However, I am grateful to God for Ryan, Jay, and Jill. Tabby too. But mostly Jill. Jilly's saved my ass a few times. She's been through good times and through shitty times. And she doesnt disappear for periods of time. She's one of the best things that life has given me.
But back on the financial side of things: this coming year might change things for the best for me. I mean, if this coop goes well, I have work for one year. I will also have the possibility of finally getting a vehicle, which will make my life a lot easier.
Speaking of which, I need a motorcycle. I have got to the point that I cannot wait to get a car, so I need to get a motorcycle first. I will be able to ride it as soon as I can, and then, as I go along, I can work my G license.

Mau mau

Why can't you sleep again?
Is rolling in bed all night thinking shit that just doesn't happen fun to you?

Mau, quit your shit.

I kinda envy how kendra's friend messaged her saying that he needed his friend in his life again. I wonder if my friends are ever gonna do such a thing. I feel left alone most the times, and just angry about it. I have admitted to it, and they just wouldn't believe me. They though I was joking. I mean, mau the righteous surgeon, an angry person? Bullshit! All lies! But I am, and I am trying to get back to back when everything was in control.
I am getting there.

Well, the anxiety is gone

But the sadness because of the shitty things that have happened have remained so far. I think those are things that I have to fix and hope to learn from them. I can't focus again, but I can try to concentrate for a change.
Mau.

Ah, and I keep falling back to this.

I am begining to realise that my problem was loving you so fucking much. And I see you managed to move on and replace whatever I was in your life, while I'm stuck in the same place with the same people. I am grateful for my old friends, and I am glad I got to see them. Ryan and Jay. I love you guys to bits. You guys are some of the best things to ever happen to me.
Yet, the type of company I want most is a bit more than friendship, and I couldn't help but wonder where you lived in Brantford when I was there: who your family was, what you did in your spare time in that city.
It sucks when you realise how easily replaceable you are. I mean, I know I'm not something necessarily special, but I do hope I at least did something good for you. I can't just have been a load in your life, like you said I was.
But everything must come to an end. I would have given anything for you. Anything, without second thought. I did fight my family, the guys, and everybody that opposed to you. Unfortunately, you never seemed to notice.
And now I'm here, unable to think straight again, during Christmas, wishing to god I could find a warmer place than the cold spot that surrounds my chest.
I have to move on and learn to look after myself again. My life was perfect up until I chose to give things up for you. I lost many things because people wronged you, and I didn't mind.
I am not a sad person. I am sad because everything I've believed in simply fell appart.
But again, I have to learn to look after myself again. After all, my own self is the only person that will not stop talking to me for some reason. I hope whatever I did for you was useful and that it meant something good in my life. I hope all of this was worth something.
Look up at the stars and remember me.

Watts the manipulator

Today I have noticed how much of a manipulator he is. His friends are rather his followers who do everything he wants. He pointed at a controller and at a screen, and next thin you know, the two followed did as he pointed.
I sure hope what's her face didn't fall into his greasy fat ugly disgusting person pile of faeces charm.

What can I do if your eyebrows are perfect?

I have definitely wasted this past year on you. And it's fucked me up big time. I am a train wreck. I am what's left after a building burns. I am the sorrow of the families that survived. I am an emotional mess.
And yes, at this point it's all about me. I am done thinking and caring about you. I just need closure. And I might be able to get it shortly.
One bit of luck is what I need. Luck, and 12 months of distance, baby.
Time and distance fixes things. I just need to fix myself up.
Dime que crees.
Maybe then I'll get what the fuck is in your head. You already got tired and replaced me. I still have not who I can trust and love.

I have openly admitted anxiety problems

Maybe I have been too much. Maybe I do need to reach out for help instead of making me into a ball and refusing existence.

I can't focus again

Thermo test on Tuesday.
This run will be fucked.
I miss the dearly beloved what's-her-face, but I don't wanna talk to her. I am in a seriously fucked state.
Mau

Hͫ̏͝e͖̯̙̼̣̍́ ̻̞̹͊̈̋̂ͯc̬̠͈̔ͪ̓̓͑o̹͈͙͍̓ͣ̒̂͛͑ͫ͢m̶̥̩̰̔ͣͦe̋̏̋̏҉̖ṡ̫̪̙̭̲̤̄̀͆ͥͦ̎ ̙̬̃͑͐̋ͯ̎̚͡t̴̪͓͔̬̦̹̱ͦ͗o͒ ̰̫̖̓̑̑͠ė̂̒͒͆͐҉̹̬̯̤mb̙͂͊̂̀r̖͎̤̺̟̀a͙̤̣̤ͪ͐cͬ̂̓͌̇ͪͨ͏͓͔ͅé̈́ͭ̃̍ u̟͉̱̇͂̀s͇͖̤͇̯̱̮
̡͙̰̾̂͌A̤̰̾̿ͣͦͥͭ̐n̺͇̮̖̥̳̍̋͑͐ͬd̷̺̗͚͖͉̀ͭͨ͗́ ̳̞̦̝̈h̭̤̺͉̉̓̐̒̈́e̫̖̯̒̚͝ ̪̙̻̦͕͢s̡͕̤̻̼̪ͧ͋h̫̲̎͑ͩͣ̅͑̀a͓̰͛͗ͫ̑ͥ͗͟l̡͂͑͌̐͑̚l̬̮̝̬̰ͣ̀̎͠ ̘̒̈́͐ͩ̍͢i̪̠͇̥̋̋͆̒̑͂̾n͚͚̰͕̪͆gͪ̎̚҉̝̹̜e̷̫̪̮͕͈̻̤ͥ̂̋̃s͎̰ͯͤ͂̒ͫ̌͊͢t͙̖͖̣̖͎̏ͬͭ̓̈̓ ̼̣͎̰̟͈͍͂ͣ͛̒ͨ̕o̦̖ù͙͔͎̼̚r̪̖ͨ͆̿ͯ͆ ͔̹̰͜s̤

̘o̻͈͡ṵ͐̔l͚͇̭͙̐ͯ̌̒s̰̰̰͂ͥ̒͆̀.̿҉̫͎
̺͎̙̤̣ͤͮͩ̃T̆̏ͮ̅́͆h̩̗̩̦̃̚ẹ̛̝̳̱ͮ͑̍̏r̜̊e̟̮̖̣̹ͯ ̠̻̘̞̭͂̈̎͒͋ͬ͂͝i̱ͭ̃͆ͨs̞̫ͤ̆ ̛̬̬̘͇̲̏͑ͥͭ͆̿̒n̅̕oͪͮͯ̊ ̤̘̫͚̜̞̗̋ͯe̠͙͎̦̺̲̬s̤̮ͤ͋̓c͍̅̔ͨ͂ͧa̴̠͈ͯp̉̓̃ͥ̅ͨi͎͖̙͂̂̀̄ͦ̇̈́n̷͚̜̐̒̔ͮ̃̿̓g͏̞̼̖͉ ̷̹͇̯͚̞̳ͫ̒ͤ̈́ͅh̘̄ͯͫͬͨͧiͥ̇̃ͩ͋̽ș̲̘͓̻̙̺ͥ̄͋͐̏̾̔ ̦̙̤͂ͤc̻̙̭̤̳̻̱͗̂̊̏̃r̼͎̲̹̆͐ụ͍͉͂͗ͯ̇͡ḑ̜͕̫̻͓̌ͤ̈e͓̦̹ͭ͆͂ͭ͛ͯ̀ ̷̠̼̖̪̜ͫ̈̆ͪl͍̜̼̦̥̎͛̇ͣ̉ͨ̚o̭̬̩̞̊̇͗̏̏͋v̤̽̄ͥ̎̉͟e͕͈͎.̫̩͖̥̫̠̂͂̀
̥͉͈͖̥ͬ̈͊̓̊ͬ̔T̹̹̭̝̜̂̊ͭ̏̍̃͟h̫͙ͦ̎͌ͧ͊͗ę͖͎ͬ̉̾ͬͮͨr̛͉͇͙ͥ̏̂e͇͖͖̝̼̺͙̍͋ ͎̘͓i̜ͯ̄͞s̝̱̪̃ͣͨ ͇̌ͯ̀̂͆ͦ̚n̜̤͇͛̉̊͗̈ơ͐̿̅̾̽̚ ͔̯̹̌̈́̅̿͋͗͗͢e̛ͣ̐̈ͮ͒ͬ̉s͉ͬ̒͌͋ͤć̡͈̹̙̥̣̲̿̐a̞̻͓̘̲͖͙̾p͚̄̿̈́ͯ̓i͂̿͌n̥̲̻̮̙͎g̡̙̖͍̗̒ ͍̜̔ͧt̤͔̜̳͔͚̣ͤͨ̒ͧ͗ͩ̌h̷̺̺̣̳̪̠͎͒̇̎ͬ͒̅i̔̂͐̓͆̉͐͢s̛̪͔̲̲͚̋̋ ͇̺́̄̄͐͂̏̅c͗̏ͥ̓̅͋ͭ҉̯͍͇̪͇r͖͉̭̪͍̣̮̊̔̂̏̓ͩ͢u͕ͦ͜ë͉̠̟́̕l͌̋ͭ͏͖͍͉ͅ ̸̏͒͗ͮ͋ͮ̚f̔ͣ͐͌̓͌̚͟a̢̗͚̞̫ͧͧ͛̊ͬ̅t̺̜ͪ̈̿͐̚͞e͐҉̝.̘ͨͯ͆̑̕
̴͍͎̙͖̲͛ͤ̚H̨͎̯̘̦̐̈ͣ͒̇̚̚e̥̦̟̖̹͞ ̫̰͓̣͈̙͍͗̍̋ͪͩw̎҉h̘ͬͧ̈́ͫ͡ò̢͓̱̬̤̣͇̙̾̾͊́ͮ ̸̳͓̎͌͑̾̚w̅͋ͬ͒͏̪͓̲͉̰͔̯a̗̺͎i̯̲̘̲ͦͭ̈́́͜ͅt͇̘̠ͩͪ̇ͬ͂͝s̲̪̥͇̠̘͔̐͗ͫ̔̈́̋̎ ̢̫̘̿͗b̍͆ͭͤe̶͖͖̳ͩ̑ͯͅh̳̟̙̼͊̋ͩi̧͚̜͗̽ͦ̑n̨ḑ̝̪̃ͭ ̲͉̖̈͛͌͋ͦt̰̮͈̬̯͕ͦ̿ͭ͒̽h̹̰̤̦ͬ̃͢e̦ͯ w̟̙̙̻͗̇͆a̬̘̤̪̬̯͊ͨl̳͑͐̌̊̇l̡͓͖̤͗̆
̜͓̫̫̼̆ͥ̽ͪ̏ͫI̦͙̦̩̥͕s̖̝̦̟͈̆͆ ̻̰͖̖͔̣ͅn̷̳ͪ͒̚ȯ̴͈̫̞̝̙̙̦̇ẁ̸̻̣̞ͦ̍͌̿̐̄ ̬̺̭̫͇̞͔ͮ̿̽͆̅̇f͍̪̝̰̐ͩ̀i͟l̶͍͙̰̻̦ͣ̈͗͆l̪̳̱̣̔̔͜i͈̜̣̼͒̊͒̈́͋̇̆n̍̈͋g͈̗̲͙ͧͭ̍̊ͩ ̛̭͓͎̹̇ͫ̑ͦͫͅt͙̬͙͈̲͑́̅ͯ̑ͭͫh͕͉̗̩͓͎͉i͎̫s̸̃ͯͭͧ ̥͕̤͉ͤ̊ͩ͘é̙̋ͥͯͬͮ̍n̦̥͚̬̹͐͐t̩͍͖͋͋̇̾ͪi͍̊̌̆͆ͥ̚r̭̲̮̽̂͒ͧͮͨe̛͍̼̜͔̦͙ͥͫ͒̽ͤͬ ̵p̍͏̤͚͚̖͇ľ̇a̗̘̮̅̒c̹ͤ͒ͮͣ͑̽ĕ͉̪̇̾́̿.̤̖͉̽̄̆̄͑͞
̭̣̣̮̜̲̔̏̃ͤ̊̚Z̫̩̭̙̦̋̑͠A̷̺͚͕͔̪̹̔͌̊ͬ̌͌̌L̥̬̮̤̘͂ͨ͗ͩ͜G̨͔̪̲̰̮̒̓̾Ǫ͚

Well, how about that!

Today I ran into the dearly beloved what's-her-face that's made my days impossible. It seems that regardless of anything, I should not consider her a friend for she can't do the same. My days are long, and apparently it takes a large amount of stress to make me forget about her to focus on the things that I'm stressing about. Great.
In the midst of engineering drawings and random ass dimensionless parts, I have found more rejection from my classmates than I thought. Yes, I surely made my one friend back, but he's still distant. I lost that guy, the rest of the guys, and Liz.
She mattered to me. A lot. I don't just get off a bus in the middle of nowhere to see somebody.
I guess I can be easily replaceable to her. But I don't care anymore. I have to focus on myself. After all, I'm the only person that's never gonna leave me, right?
Anyways, I have to finish my drawings.

Lol

I wish I could log out of life.
And eventually when I feel like checking my messages, log back in.

"You deserve someone you feel compliments you, not just someone who fills the void."

Ryan, if you ever come across this blog, I want you to know how much I appreciate you. You, regardless of distance and of whether we keep in touch or not, are somebody that makes this everything worth it. It's been a pleasure meeting you years ago, and it's been my honour being your friend. I can't wait to see you next.
Same Jay. Dude, you're one of the most loyal friends I have had. I'm glad we met.
You guys are great people and deserve the best.
I miss you guys.

It's when we have lost it all

That we are free to do anything we want.

Yeah, yeah.

Experiment of the day: will beer mix well with vodka, creme de cocoa, creme de menthe, and french onion soup.
I don't feel good. I felt my first drink.
I tried writing a poem, but I can't do those anymore.
Alicia is so talented, I can't believe words flow like that.
And then there's me struggling to even straighten my own thoughts.
Ah, numbers. My numbers. I'm stuck with them.
Numbers seem to be the language I can speak now.

Lol my numbers were wrong today. This test is gonna cost me big time.
And this beer is gonna give me a headache.

Quit thinking of those that broke you.
Quit living in fear of losing that which you never had.

And right about now, I can't help but think to myself
LOL BEER AND VODKA AND CREME DE COCOA AND CREME DE MENTHE AND FRENCH ONION SOUP DONT MIX WELL.

Insignificantly enough?

I can't write poems for shit. I used to a while back. My thoughts are still dark. And all I can think of is your smile when I've made you smile, or when you have an awkward moment and your nervous smile pops up. I'm sick of having you in my mind. I love you too much. I'm sick of making bad decisions.
And now I'm far. I can't have you, and you can't have me. I feel nothing for the one that has me. I don't wanna hurt her, but I think I am going to.
I wanna leave. I wanna leave the representatives and your structure. I want to leave everything behind.
I want to pack my backpack and go far far away.
I want to be so far, that being far is everything that's in my head.
I want to feel "how am I gonna get home?" and "where am I going to sleep?"
I wanna feel "where can I find a blanket?" and "are there wolves nearby?" again.
Maybe if my head is full of "do I have money for dinner?" and "should I sleep under that tree?", maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking about you and start thinking about me.

I can put a smile and face everything like I've always done. When I do it, things happen.
For example, I am with a very good looking girl (that I don't want) now. I made up with a friend I felt close to ages ago. I earned his respect again after I betrayed him, and it makes me very happy. I am back in capoeira, and I don't feel the need of meeting new people. Since I got my friend back, I don't feel the need of acceptance anymore. Their love-full rejection is all I want. I just want them to be around, even if it's full of "Mau what the fuck?" moments.

I want to be made of wood. Or stone, or steel. I want to pass the test that the sands of time have prepared for us. I want to remain when everything falls.

Unfortunately, with the way things are going, I am put in a more fragile spot than the worse ones I've been before. On Thursday, I have an appointment for me to spill my guts out to somebody I don't know, hoping for understanding. If I open up, that is. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.
I can't put myself down on paper. I am really not a downer like this blog indicates.
I enjoy life. I enjoy being able to walk, breathe, have a smoke, eat, sleep.

I need to study. I don't know if I even would want you to find out about this blog. Ever since I opened up to you, the friend-zone took over. I rather keep my distance and save myself the little bit of dignity I have left.
After all, one of the things I have realized is that every man has secrets that he should die with.

I don't know what i am doing.

Mau

Maybe I see things differently.

Capoeira isn't what it used to be. I see everything that's wrong. That, and the advanced students are the same dirt they have always been. I will keep on training, but I sure don't feel like doing open houses, batizados, and other events.

Lol I hope the girl never finds about this blog

Just saying
I am somewhat almost very uncomfortable with all this. I mean, I've been easy, but damn, I've hit a new low. xD
Mau

Made a bad call

I don't think i am happy with the end result of this belittling clusterfuck.
Still feel inadequate.
Mau.

Lol wow.

That was quick. I feel slightly cheap and easy. Haha.
Also, Shiraz. And opal bombs. Go homegrown.

inside, i know

i have mastered it again. i am miles away inside. i'm awesome at this business.

Patching things up is a good thing.

I spoke to my teacher. I will be back on Monday to train and will train again. I missed it.
I met a few new people, and this really makes things better for me. I have also been playing guitar again as of late. I have been trying to surround myself by non-smokers or people that don't know (or expect) me to smoke. When I'm with them, I don't crave smokes much, and I also feel whenever I want one that their perception of me might change. So I just don't smoke. Which is good. No smoking is good.
On Saturday I went to class. My teacher wasn't there, an advanced student was teaching. We didnt do much, but it made me realise how out of it I have been. "Dark have been my dreams of late." Couldn't have put that in a much better way. Every day has been a wreck. I'm glad I have opened my eyes just enough to see where I am and make me wake up and see the consequences of this past year.
I was more solid. Both mentally and physically. And that's my plan of action: act on things and make them right again.
Getting back into capoeira, meeting new people, and signing up for volunteer activities, that's a very productive way of making me back to where I was.
Eventually I'd like to take dance lessons and get back into swimming. I can make those happen after December. So far, capoeira is enough for me to get me back where I was.
Mau.

Quit making yourself miserable.
If you don't help yourself, nobody will.

Well, that's something.

"You're smart, you're funny, understanding... I'd be all over that dick LOLO"
I fucked up. I mean, I relate you to too many things, and they all will be ruined for a while. 
I can't even look at longboards online.

When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

Feedback of the day:
"You just don't think before you speak, do you? Like, things just go right pass through that filter with you, right?"
"Don't mind my friend, he's a little off."
Thanks, midget fuck with a big head.
Thanks to you too, Morgan. You're at least polite about it.

Drunk on Monday night...

I have issues.

All I wanted, it was to just walk into the washroom and take a piss. imple as that.
And then, after I was done, I went to wash my hands and looked into the mirror.
And I swear, I saw a huge belly on me for about 30 seconds.
I'm fucked in the head.

I am fucked.

Suddenly I started feeling anxious. I can't focus.
Fuck, I can't even type a full sentence without having to rewrite it 5 times.

lol

I cancelled my job interview.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

And I was the biggest.
I'm a collapsing worn-out building.
I'm a crash scene.
I'm a big ass train wreck.

Porcupine love

It's like, a constant feeling of never being home. Like, you are far from everything and you can't seek shelter anywhere.
It's like missing your plane home.
Like losing your ID.
Like, the first step of a million to come.
It's like you are tired and life isn't giving you time to sleep.
Yeah, that's more like it.

Tieing up lose ends.

Yes, after my latest downfall, I realised I really cannot afford bringing myself down and beating myself up over something  like that. Yes, liking somebody and being liked back in return is something that would brighten my days, but at times like this I seem to do well in the dark.
Work in the dark, don't play well with others, and stick my head to my own business. That's what it should narrow down to.

Quit your tendency of making a shitstorm out of everything, Mau.

I think I have been very angry lately. I broke a promise I made to myself long ago. And the fact that I broke it has really destroyed my trust in myself. I gotta build that back up. I guess now I actually have hit rock bottom.
At this point, I just have to look out for myself and avoid making dumbass decisions. And I have to make my goals happen.
Dance, swim, capoeira, school, I gotta make them all happen on my own.

my chest is broken once again

My chest feels like, a construction zone after a demolition is cleared up. Iust a big hole that needs some sort of cement-filler in it. Or water. Or a good natural catastrophe.
I've always wanted to know how to not die on a longboard. Unfortunately, I relate things, music, and places to people I've loved, and looking online at longboards has put my eyes to bawl.
I don't want tuesday to happen again.
I was hammered, I was miserable. I didn't like it. I wanna get on a bus and go far away. That's what she did, right? And I guess it worked for her.
I should do the same. I should get a coop job across Canada and only look back at my house, where my mom and my guineapig would be.
I can start a new life anywhere I go. I've done it before.
My eyes burn again. I can't sleep. I feel inadequate.
God damn it, Mau.

Mau, don't think anymore, your head needs to rest

Today is great.

Gaping hole in chest, angry, sad, laughter, talking loudly, frown, smile
I am insane. No wonder.

Eddie Izzard, you sir have put a smile on my face in a rough time. Thanks.

Admitting I did something wrong? Son of a bitch.

Last night was a complete fuck-up.
I felt like walking. It does clear my mind. So I walked. A lot. Until I finally got to downtown Hamilton. I wanted to avoid one of the panhandlers that I know, and so I walked some more, by the bars. Baltimore house, homegrown, absinthe club, whatever. And I dropped in at Baltimore. And I started to drink.
And I drank and cried my eyes out for the first time in quite some time.
I drank and drew. There was live music. It helped me focus on something else other than my head, but then it would always come back to haunt me for some more time and make me be a pansy again.
So I drank some more and cried some more. I hate to admit it. However, it was more than expected, and those angsty moments were nobody else's fault but mine.
When the bartender at baltimore suggested that I drank water (god damn, I was drunk), I closed my tab, and moved on. To Homegrown.
The owner, she thought I would just order a latte like always. I surprised her when I asked for two shots of something. Then I asked for a shot and a drink. Then I paid and left. Left to come back with some random homeless dude. I bought him a drink.
In return, he bummed smokes off of people and gave me two. Shit, it was a terrible night.
I forget what we talked about. I forget a few things. I do remember that the girl I like, she longboarded by, and I called her out.
Bad idea. So far, the last image she has of me was of me drunk, sitting on the street with some homeless dude that offered to split one of his smokes with me.
If she only knew what I thought of her when she longboarded by.
But wait, she isn't stupid. She knows. She is fully aware.
This depressive persona, this person that will find a temporary friend at the cost of a beer and a little dignity, the person that bar hops after drinking too much at the first stop... this really is not like me. This is what things have made me out to be recently. And it won't happen again.
My edge seems to be back on, and next thing, my mask.
Mau, what ever happened to you, what ever was done to you?
Mau, what are you gonna do to the world?

mau what the fuck did you fuckin doo

ugh puke

yeah, yeah.

im good at awkward, nicky.

i know what i did

i ordered pizza

Mau, what the fuck did you do.

I have to admit I am legitimately unhappy. I had not been so unhappy in quite some time. I cried for about an hour while looking at a pint of beer. I drew, and drew some more, and more, and more, until the one pen broke. then I broke it in half and drew some more. Then I went to another bar and drank some more. Then I got out, picked a hobo, bought him a beer, and drank some more. I'm not happy. I dont know if I'll remember this tomorrow. I feel like I have to puke.
Mau.

So I put on my mask again

And fucked it all away.

I am an ungrateful little asshole.
This happens whenever I fall for somebody: I ignore the things I have and focus on the one beautiful girl I don't. I lose confidence. I am sad and disturbed by what I do.
I need a new head. One without commitment, attachments, a free head without feelings.
Mau.

If my grandma had wheels, she would be a bicycle (or Guide to becoming an angry 3rd year student.)

Fall for somebody that's way above your league. Insert head up own ass and spin in circles.
Nuit blanche should help me forget of that feeling of wanting to cut open a person's stomach and washing their faces in their own stomach acids.
I wonder how useful stomach acids can be outside of a person's stomach.
I wonder what would happen if I'm riding a bike and I manage to stall the front wheel only, or if I manage to explode a spraypaint can while holding it.
Well, it's not something that scares me. I just wanna feel something, anything, other than this empty chested feeling I've got.
Mau, mauy mau, you are a mad man.

Not good, Mau.

Pouring all your heart in a cup and giving it to somebody to do what they will isn't good.
And now you can't eat, you can't sleep, your heart is doing 200 miles per hour when you can only do 8.
I'm tired. My head hurts. My eyes hurt and my stomach feels like a bow tie. God damn it, Mauricio. What ever happened to you?

Infinitely yours (or holy shit, I missed my bus again.)

Dear city of Burlington:
We have been together since February 2004. That popsicle-cold month will be unforgettable. However, every day I seem to be growing more tired of your shit. I am sick of how you chose to lie to my mother about bus times, how you keep screwing around with the lines that I need to get around, how unreliable your sidewalks are, and how idiotic your other people are.
When we first met, you were just like, a warm coffee shop in the middle of the snow. But then, you started with your bitchyness, and I'm just not willing to put up with your shit anymore.
You also lied to my mom. I mean, what kind of a girlfriend would do that? You lying bitch gave my mom the wrong times for one bus, causing her to be late for work. You lied to me about the express bus leaving from Hamilton to Burlington. Saying it left at 10:45... I showed up at 10:40. And no, the shitbus left at 10:30. What would you do if I gave your mother the wrong hours to catch the train to work her corner in Toronto?
On top of that, your sidewalks, you whore, I've almost DIED on them. Your sister, Oakvile, her sidewalks are better. Without psychotic bastards on the way, without hammered teenagers trying to be cool. Oakvile also made me little bikepaths for me to go all over the place. You whore only made two and that's all I get, right? Eat a bag of dicks. I thought I was special to you.
Then you began to cheat on me. And I began to cheat on you. I've slept in different beds in SO MANY CITIES, it would gross you out. That's what you get for being such a bitch to me. Orillia, Oshawa, Kinmount, Toronto, Hamilton, London, Guelph, Owensound, St. Thomas... that's what you get for being a bitch. I even slept in Oakvile, your older sister. Boy, did she treat me good.
It's what you get for being an asshole to me, you dried up bitch.
I picked up my shit, including my god damn kettle. After all, I was the one who paid for it. Keep the food in the fridge. Just in case you and your ugly ass personality can't share your mother's corner for profit. I can get more food.
I'm sticking around for a bit, but I really don't want to have the awkwardness of looking at you in the eyes.
Yadda yadda yadda, just adding up: fuck you, we're through.
Mau.

I really set me up by liking you.

I don't know any other way of putting this, but what I feel for you was there, is there, and chances are it will always be there. It might just go in the background and eventually not be a priority. That's what every broken heart does- it hides feelings and focuses on things that matter, such as school work.
And yes, there is a lot more to what you give yourself credit for. And I love every bit of it.

lol, engineering.

Engineering
Any engineer will look at this ad and think "story of my life".
Sweet!

On Allergies (or Holy peanutbuttery shellfish)

To whoever it may concern:
Since I first moved to Venezuela and then to Canada, I've noticed how people overreact to people's allergies. I remember quite a while back (grade 10), a teacher put a ban on peanut butter sandwiches because some kid was "deadly allergic" to peanut butter. No, the kid wouldn't die- he would just puff up and look funny.
I am allergic to shellfish. I would be "deadly allergic" if I was stupid enough to eat it. However, yes, I never tell people because I don't want them to give me the awkward treatment I was given once at a party.
Cliffe, this goes to you. Your mom was a freak.
After stating that I was allergic to shellfish and I couldn't eat it, they kept asking if I was allergic to EVERYTHING they were handing out. Jesus, man, was it awkward.
However, that's not the point of this. The thesis of this rant is the following: how come people freak out so much over little Johnny's peanut butter sandwich, and nobody freaks out about filling Mohawk College's caffeteria/food court/thing with freaking shellfish stench? And, who can I complain to?
I started having hives. Other people could have it too. If they are to serve these, they should ensure that the kitchen fans are working, at least.
I don't care about little johnny's peanut butter sandwich, nor I care about that annoying bitch with the container full of shrimp. I just don't want to be forced to smell it, that's all.
It's like, being considerate to one another. Do I ever consider forcing people to sniff my asshole? What about my armpits?
People, be considerate to others, and they will be considerate to you.

Decaying Mau, vulnerable Mau.

I dislike sounding so freaking emotional. I admit that most of my posts are anything but happy posts. I guess I use this view-less blog as a way of expressing stuff. Sorta like, whispering my secrets to the wind.
My chest feels empty. I don't know what I should turn to at this point. I just wanna see more, find new horizons, and quit making a fool out of myself.
I'm not a weak person. I am made of steel. Figuratively speaking. However, I'm sick of being down over my wasted feelings. For whoever I like, I do anything. I might as well find me somebody that's worth all that.
Maybe I should look into what I already have, and be thankful for not being dead in a ditch.
I got slippers.
Mau

Liar!

Since I first met you, you've got stuck in my head. I remember the first time I woke you up. Your awkward smile wondering what I had just thrown at you, and why I had chosen to pick on you.
It was great. I still remember.
You are a beautiful mess.
But I should probably forget.

Mau, you set yourself up again.

Mister Mau, what the fuck are you doing?

Just saying, quit doing dumb stuff. Prioritize yourself ahead of everything. Don't set yourself up for another downfall on the exact same terms as last year's.

Mau, trusting people is not a good thing.

A friend has successfully destroyed whatever I thought about him. Now, I just gotta look out for my own neck. And screw his if I can.
Mau.

Oh, Burlington.

Burlington: You have successfully managed to kill whatever hope I ever had in society. Your disgusting ways, your uneducated people, your spoiled children, your powerful rich with little concepts of compassion and understanding of others less fortunate... Everything seems enlarged when I have legitimate reasons to be angry with an entire complex.
Circumstances in here have made me come to realise how important family structure is.
What I can say proudly is that, regardless of the differences I have had with my brother, I backed him up when the time came. My mom and I stood up for him, like we have always done.
Things have been stirred here. However, they know that we are united and that we are not afraid of standing up to anyone messing with any of us.
They say it's over. Me and my vengeanceful nature, I think it's just begun. At least on my side of things it's just begun. This won't pass. I can make things happen.
I will make things happen.
Mau.

Thunderstorms.

Scarecrow, where do you go in a storm?
I've come to think that, in nature, unbalances are fixed with storms, earthquakes, and other natural phenomena. I'm beginning to believe that shitstorms balance unbalances out with people.
I want to make beautiful art once again, just to destroy it and prove how temporal things are: to just prove how little time we have on earth to just fuck it all away.
I'm not a downer, I just have a different perspective of things.
The last lightning bolt made me jump. It's beautiful storm out.
Crows, where do you go in a storm?
Trees are not safe, unless they have a very secure nest, or unless it's a nest made in concrete buildings. Crows are known for making nests out of anything they find, not just dry leafs and little bits of wood. Maybe that makes their stay a bit more pleasant while nature straightens its unbalances out.
Mau, where do you go in a storm?
Out.

I guess I am kinda really fucking sad about this.

But it's the first time I deem it necessary that somebody should know when they are being rude.
If you can't get over that, I guess our friendship wasn't meant to happen, much less whatever it is I wanted originally. You have the potential to have a good life. Go make it happen. I will probably still be right here.
Mau.

Oh Mau.

Liz doesn't want me to talk to her again.
Make me very said to hear someone say get lost to me. But probably I should just fuck off.
Sucks to feel so disposable in someone's life.
Oh well. Way to do it, Clarissa. Way to do it, Liz.

Mau, dreamer and music maker.

It's been ages since I made a song. I gotta play again.
This summer seems somewhat promising still. One month is more than enough to make things happen, I think. I just have to get around. I want to meet new people on my own. I don't want to know your friends. I want to make my own.
I intend on getting back to capoeira. It's one of those things that grew so much into me that I can't just leave.
It matters not how long of training I've missed... I'm a capoeirista. And I will always be one.
I'm also an artist. I'm colourful. I'm so much more than what I've chosen to show.
Yadda yadda yadda. God damn.
Mau, shut up.

Mau, what the hell are you doing.

Ah, Mau. Random pieces of poetry and imagery arent enough for you, are they? It's like if her beauty wasn't enough to turn you to shreds. It matters not how sober or how drunk you are, or how many women you have surrounding you, you just want the one.
I think you've come a long way, and that if you find the right one, you can chance into something you'lll take pride in instead of being what you can be ashamed for.
What I do wish is that people didn't play the emotional yo-yo game. That come-here-get-away type of shit. I can be direct about my things. I wish I found somebody that just felt the same way and that was able to just say things instead of playing that bitchy game.
I'm too tired for this.
Good Mau. Expendable Mau, that is. The paper stars mean nothing now. The art, the cigarrettes, the words, the stars... they are all gone with the wind, my friend. Fix yourself up. Life isn't getting any easier. You aren't getting any younger, Mau.
You aren't getting younger. You'll just have to watch others grow old.

Thanks

I guess your friendship was fun while it lasted. I guess I am a disposable friendship to you.
I wanna set everything on fire.

I miss you.

Surprise. Fuck you.
But I do miss you.

Ah, Saturday. I don't get you.

If you don't want me to get away from you, give me something to hold on to. Let me keep something as proof of my feelings for you not being wasted away.
I want you. Over everybody else.
But I'm human. I'm not getting any younger.
Mau.

Some other times...

I feel inadequate for not being able to offer you a cool lifestyle. If I could, I would fucking cover your tuition fees. I wish I could offer you a life full of stability and excitement, instead of uncertainty.
Give me one year...
Just one year.
I really love you to bits.

"Did you forget? I'm a heartless wretch!"

Sometimes, I really wish you didn't tell me things.
Sometimes, I really wish you would just shut up and not ruin whatever bit of happiness I get from seeing you.
mau

:D

Mau

Stop giving yourself out in such a stupid manner.

"Stay where you belong: In my memories."

Ah, people.
You were once my past. And I enjoyed it about as much as you did. But I think I did more for you. I forget why we lost ties. I might've been pushed away. But this I can't say for sure. I don't remember.
I'm glad you've thought of me. However, I'm not all that sure about you wanting to have such a risky influence in your life.
But it's your call. I haven't changed much, as far as I know.
That being said, a memory of a lustful person can't be too helpful.
That can go either way, I guess.
Hah, "lust". I never thought I would use that word.

Espantalho.

Sleep, mau.

Mau:
Sleep well, with the security of knowing that you are cut out to be powerful. Your body is the biggest gift you could have ever received. Your strength, your intelligence, those are the things stories are made of.
Go out and wreck it all. Then build it back up. I know you can do it.
Sleep well.

Mau, you love watching movies.

Just today I've come to understand why that's the case. I love being told incredible stories. I like to see a story develop in front of my eyes. I like listening to stories of heroes triumphing over evil and coming out on top of every obstacle that pops up on their way.
I can be one of them.
Mau, shut up and go to sleep.

I just wanna say

that it makes me very happy that you trust me.

Ah, an empty chest.

I was on meds for a while, and it really made life drag. Unfortunately, it didn't just make it drag: it made more succeptible to whatever is going on. It made me sad to see that people whom are younger than me have achieved more than I could, even in terms of the friendship of the beautiful girl I fell for. 24 years, three countries, two languages, and what can I do with that? I can barely pay my bills.

I feel a hole in my chest. It's like if all of my insides had been pulled out and I had been stuffed with a handful of dry leaves. When I move, I feel the leaves making noise, and the air in my chest... this feeling of emptyness that seems like only her company would fill up.
I need to find my space in life. If life was clearer... I mean, if there was a sign where it said "Mau, stay here, this is the empty spot that you should be in". It would make life more understandable for a person with a dull understanding of people like me.
 I feel inadequate. When she feels unhappy, I feel useless.
I drew on my arm because I just couldn't get you off my mind. Because I only seem able to communicate effectively what I feel for you in terms of art.
What I want is a meaninful message with three words in it.

If I could choose what words you remembered me by...

I wish you remembered me giving you directions and degrees to spot stars I would be looking at.
And I wish you remembered me saying "it's awesome when you wake me up". After all, it really is.

Concerta-somnia

I can't sleep
Mau

Of love and coupled harmonics

Ah, grade 11 physics. Harmonics feeding each other, making them grow louder at the point where they interfere. A double wave interference pattern, they both with the same magnitude and frequency. It increases the magnitude at the middle. Oh, right, right.
I haven't made music in quite a while. I haven't played any kind of music on either guitars nor berimbau. But I am somewhat happier than two weeks ago. I like having stuff to do, and I like the warmth. It makes me not feel like this world is empty.
The class rep things might not fly. The student council seems very closed in terms of not giving anything to the class reps. If things are going to be that way, I won't wanna be part of it. Why should I, if the student government doesn't give a shit?
Anyways. I gotta finish making my lunch (idk if I'll eat it, I feel full) and then study and go to school.
Later.
Mau.

Insignificantly enough.

Mau, you just don't learn, do you?

Today I texted good dear old what's-her-face after about a week. I still need time away. I need time away from everything. From Hamilton. But I got school there, and I can't just disappear when I need the marks.
Little by little I've been feeling super lonely lately. But whatever. I'm meant for more. I know it.
All I got to do is put everything aside like I did once (though with artificial help). But I know I can do it.
It's not necessarily good,  but being plastic sometimes is needed for a man to succeed in life.
Emotionless, or just put on a mask again: my way of being an asshole. And it's worked before. It can work again.
Mau.

Ugh

I fucked everything up for the weekend. I sent it all to hell.
I guess I can catch back up.
I am lonely.
Mau.

http://youtu.be/yC1M0KrgD8g

Nice guys do finish last.

Before I begin this infamous rant, I would like to say fuck you to the following:
Kyle, John, Jordan, Mike, Lisa, Liz's ex 1, Liz's ex 2, Liz's ex 3, my brother, my father, my bus drivers and hair cutters, whoever made my clothes, whoever founded mohawk college, the student government, summer school, hamilton bars, the plough and harrow, the flying dragon, baltimore house, mr. fuck you wey mexico, and every single person involved with this whole story.

I'm fucking sick of hearing the excuse that apparently I'm not an asshole enough. Eat dirt.

I'm never neither good enough nor bad ass enough.

Fuck you. Fuck your shit. Fuck your car, your books, your family, your shoes.

The pictures I took to show you how I saw things? Yeah? Forget about them. They are gone. Deleted.
I deserve better.

I'm too fucking good looking to be dealing with this shit, like some sort of second class citizen begging for a bit of affection.

I'm not a nice person. You were my weak spot, and that's what you saw. But this bullshit is over. I gotta find my space. Away from you.

I'm angry.

I'm angry about this whole work situation. And I'm lonely too. Right now, the only thing that would make me feel a lot better, that would be if a good dearl old what's-her-face called my phone just to ask how I am.
I'm not a weak person. Sometimes I just feel that there isn't much to do things for other than myself, and it really sucks. The last time I did things with a person in mind, man, I ran. I ran until my body felt like pumping stomach acid.
I miss you, what's her face. Your face is beautiful. Your hands are small, your body is perfect. Your smile warms me up.
Whatever, back to reality. Shitjob at 7, gotta leave at 5am. 4 hours and 50 minutes left.
Mau.

Downgrade.

I have been downgraded to machine shop bitch for all summer.
I'm angry and lonely.

Insignificantly enough... significantly enough.

I said I would write you as story. I intend on writing it. However, I'm tired of having you so much in my head without necessarily knowing what's in yours.
I got the losing cards of this deck. This game really isn't mine. I already got your response once, and I know time might change things. However, I was hurt once by you, I don't want it to happen again. Sometimes I feel like a fool, just coming back to that which hurts me, knowing what's gonna happen. Insignificantly enough.
I can write you the most beautiful poem ever written, with a message that not even Shakespeare could put down on any sonnet. I could draw you an amazing view, make you a beautiful song... or I could simply just put it in terms of animal instincts and urges, and do you over and over again.
My beautiful, you have no idea how fucked up I've been, and how much meaning you can give me.

You once said I was very confident in whatever moves I made. Yes, I seem confident. Because people had my back, and because there was nothing to lose, just the world ahead. Now, I'm in a vulnerable spot. You could lift me up again so fast and so high that no giant could ever bring me down.
Hm, giants. I'm no super hero. I got no powers other than my will and my fists. I've brought giants down. Simply my will and the gifts that god gave me are enough for me to break down anything. I just want a reason. Being alone makes these purposes plain and useless.
I fell for your looks at first. I can't deny it. Then, your smile. When you played guitar, I fell for your voice. At theatre, I fell for your eyes. And your small hands. Then, I fell for your past, your present, and your future.
That is why I need my space. I don't wanna get hurt again. I want to leave and forget about all of this. After all, as you've shown me, I only have myself for certain. I might as well fix myself so I can focus on my future, since nobody's fallen in love with it just yet.
Ah, insignificantly enough.
Scarecrow.

I'm a distraction to myself. I've got to that point.
As soon as I'm done exams, I gotta see a doctor. Maybe I have a bad case of ADHD or something.
That, and get back to be healthy.
Mau.

Bye bye hair.

I cut it out of anger and stress. I want change.
I also kinda opened the little tub of crap that my head is to Liz. I hope I didn't say more than I should have. Well, it WAS more than I should have. I shouldn't have said anything. I need my mask back on.
Mau.

I feel old and fat.

Time passes by, and now I feel like I've lived a lie. Little by little, a liar.
I used to enjoy theatre, stargazing, spraypainting, running...
Now I tend to avoid those to avoid memories of the last person that broke me into a thousand pieces. Little by little I learned to avoid explanations and just walk away.
I mean, how can being someone's friend after they tell you they'd give anything for you a good idea? What makes you think I want to know of your dating perspectives? Of what you do or you don't do to your dates? Little by little, disappointed and alone.
I can't forget you. Lying Isn't Zoning me out. It's killing me inside. It still is and it won't go away for quite a while. Unless I go away for quite a while. Little by little, blaming myself.
What I feel for you won't go away. It's simple little by little dig into my flesh and hide deep inside where nobody can see it or ever hear it. Little by little it'll find a small dark corner in my heart, close its eyes, and sleep until my time, little by little, comes to an end.
Little by little, I loved what you were. Now I don't wanna get hurt anymore.

God damn it, Mauricio.

At this point, I don't fear the unknown anymore. Other than exams, that is.
My eyes are used to surprises, both good and bad.
My ears fear not news anymore.
I kinda do feel a bit used. This last one did have fun, and then seems to have left me hanging.
God damn it, Mauricio, when are you gonna learn?
Fortunately unfortunate incidents.
One night, we're hanging out, next day, I'm, yeah.
It's like, you thought things were spinning around you, but you were spinning around somebody else. At least I didn't get burned much.
I gotta admit, the problem is that, things do get boring.
I need to finish things. I got to focus on that which matters.
Mauricio.

What a joke...

Five days.
Five.
Clarissa, you are awesome. But five days... this is kinda slightly annoying.

Mr. Jerkface's high stakes pinata. That would be how I feel right now.
The artwork belongs to him.

Ugh, I got that cold feeling.

The cold feeling that you feel when you get news you could definitely live without? Yeah? The one that you feel when you are left stranded and you don't have a way of getting home, or when "home" is a state of mind that isn't there anymore?
I got it again

Rain.

Long ago, he wore the wrong shoes to make the right impression with the wrong person. The rightly wrong impression. Ah, when will you learn? The perfect impression. Perfection doesn't exist.
But this new beautiful one could see through that perfect mask that you put on. She was able to see right through it, and she liked what she saw. Through the wrong shoes and the collared dark shirt, the useless vest in a cold night.
She wore no mask. And you could see what she was like. And you liked what you saw. And so it began.
Paper stars. Creativity taken at a new level of paper folds. Tiny fine paper ornaments, as fine as her small hands. You loved the time. And she seemed to enjoy it too. Except you lost your chances to do things. Damn engineering. It's taken time. Your precious called you boring.
"Belittle", "diminish", and "patronize" are very difficult words. I can't think of who came up with them. But I learned them. Because I always wanted to know what you wanted to say. My written form is much better than how I speak.
Long ago, I could do nothing but smile and nod. After a while, I could write. Then I could speak. Scary, man. It's been 8 years. And she celebrated those 8 years.
To be continued

Time, time, the old man said.

Insignificantly enough, you are with a maybe significant other.
Liking people is a terrible idea.
I fell too hard for you.

Tomorrow I won't remember typing this

im exhausted. i have slept for about 10 hours in total these past 72 hours and my eyes are burning. i wish i could talk to a certain someone before going to sleep.
things are so not fair. i mean, i stirred shit up so people would be honest, and this is what i get. its not fair. i feel so easily replaceable sometimes. like if i was just like, a bolt at work- one of millions. shit's thread isn't fine? that's okay, GRAB ONE MORE, OUT OF THE MILLIONS THAT WE GOT.
im tired, mau. im tired.

This is what my ears will go deaf with

http://www.thisco.cl/

You can download their first album for free, too.

Invincible, immortal. Powerless.

Mauricio, what the fuck are you doing?

't seems like it was yesterday that I made paper stars for you. It really does.
Every single fold in a thin strip of paper... every star I made thinking of you.

Second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour.
My eyes miss your sight. I miss my strength.
You made me feel stronger.
I could do things- I could put the world on my shoulders and spin for it.
I miss doing these things.
God works in mysterious ways. I gotta regain my strength somehow.

This week was terrible. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, tests. Things were said on Wednesday night. Things that had to be said. Things that... I knew. I had noticed it in her eyes and her body expressions, and then her tired eyes. I just knew, and again, I chose not to listen to the little voice in my head. Then, it just happened. Thoughts started flowing out my eyes, down my cheeks, for about a minute. I stopped myself from it. I can't afford people seeing that. I have an image to keep. Then I walked. I walked until my lips were dry. Then I walked home.

Thursday morning, felt like a street dog. Hungry, sick, tired, lonely. Friday, somewhat the same. I miss when she sent me random pictures. It was fun.
But now, I don't know if I want to avoid her. I really fell for her. I'd give my all to be able to spend an hour with her.
Saturday comes slow. This weekend will be strange. My chest feels empty.

You may ask for poetry and you will receive it.
You may ask for a minute, I'll give you an hour.
Ask me for my heart, I'll give you my everything.
You're worth my everything.

No wonder

Today's been a weird day. Last night, everything that had to be said with my beloved good dear old what's her face, was said. She is beautiful. She really is. But that's as far as it seems like life's gonna take me to her.
That, problems at home, and exams, those seem to be taking the best of me. I did try something different though, and it scares me... because it worked.
Watts helped me out with a little something that really made a difference that I should speak to my doctor about.
I mean, it's a great thing. What kind of person would not like to be able to put their feelings aside and focus on that which really matters? I mean, I love feeling, no matter how much it hurts sometimes, but I need to focus. The effect is wearing off and I'm getting distracted again.
Regardless of the shitty aspects of today, I was happy (if happy is the word, this day's been shit) that I haven't been all over the place like always. I can focus. I can not fall asleep in class. I can actually think things through.
God, I hope I didn't stick my head too far into the rabit hole.
I gotta fight my urges to get distracted.
Mau

Never doing that again.

That was... creepy, awkward, embarrassing, disgusting.

Mau, learn from your past.

This time I believe I was ready to say whatever was that really mattered. Oh well, next time it is.

Ah, shitty news. I hope I'm wrong.

I'm screwed in several levels.