Lol wow.

That was quick. I feel slightly cheap and easy. Haha.
Also, Shiraz. And opal bombs. Go homegrown.

inside, i know

i have mastered it again. i am miles away inside. i'm awesome at this business.

Patching things up is a good thing.

I spoke to my teacher. I will be back on Monday to train and will train again. I missed it.
I met a few new people, and this really makes things better for me. I have also been playing guitar again as of late. I have been trying to surround myself by non-smokers or people that don't know (or expect) me to smoke. When I'm with them, I don't crave smokes much, and I also feel whenever I want one that their perception of me might change. So I just don't smoke. Which is good. No smoking is good.
On Saturday I went to class. My teacher wasn't there, an advanced student was teaching. We didnt do much, but it made me realise how out of it I have been. "Dark have been my dreams of late." Couldn't have put that in a much better way. Every day has been a wreck. I'm glad I have opened my eyes just enough to see where I am and make me wake up and see the consequences of this past year.
I was more solid. Both mentally and physically. And that's my plan of action: act on things and make them right again.
Getting back into capoeira, meeting new people, and signing up for volunteer activities, that's a very productive way of making me back to where I was.
Eventually I'd like to take dance lessons and get back into swimming. I can make those happen after December. So far, capoeira is enough for me to get me back where I was.
Mau.

Quit making yourself miserable.
If you don't help yourself, nobody will.

Well, that's something.

"You're smart, you're funny, understanding... I'd be all over that dick LOLO"
I fucked up. I mean, I relate you to too many things, and they all will be ruined for a while. 
I can't even look at longboards online.

When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

Feedback of the day:
"You just don't think before you speak, do you? Like, things just go right pass through that filter with you, right?"
"Don't mind my friend, he's a little off."
Thanks, midget fuck with a big head.
Thanks to you too, Morgan. You're at least polite about it.

Drunk on Monday night...

I have issues.

All I wanted, it was to just walk into the washroom and take a piss. imple as that.
And then, after I was done, I went to wash my hands and looked into the mirror.
And I swear, I saw a huge belly on me for about 30 seconds.
I'm fucked in the head.

I am fucked.

Suddenly I started feeling anxious. I can't focus.
Fuck, I can't even type a full sentence without having to rewrite it 5 times.

lol

I cancelled my job interview.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

And I was the biggest.
I'm a collapsing worn-out building.
I'm a crash scene.
I'm a big ass train wreck.

Porcupine love

It's like, a constant feeling of never being home. Like, you are far from everything and you can't seek shelter anywhere.
It's like missing your plane home.
Like losing your ID.
Like, the first step of a million to come.
It's like you are tired and life isn't giving you time to sleep.
Yeah, that's more like it.

Tieing up lose ends.

Yes, after my latest downfall, I realised I really cannot afford bringing myself down and beating myself up over something  like that. Yes, liking somebody and being liked back in return is something that would brighten my days, but at times like this I seem to do well in the dark.
Work in the dark, don't play well with others, and stick my head to my own business. That's what it should narrow down to.

Quit your tendency of making a shitstorm out of everything, Mau.

I think I have been very angry lately. I broke a promise I made to myself long ago. And the fact that I broke it has really destroyed my trust in myself. I gotta build that back up. I guess now I actually have hit rock bottom.
At this point, I just have to look out for myself and avoid making dumbass decisions. And I have to make my goals happen.
Dance, swim, capoeira, school, I gotta make them all happen on my own.

my chest is broken once again

My chest feels like, a construction zone after a demolition is cleared up. Iust a big hole that needs some sort of cement-filler in it. Or water. Or a good natural catastrophe.
I've always wanted to know how to not die on a longboard. Unfortunately, I relate things, music, and places to people I've loved, and looking online at longboards has put my eyes to bawl.
I don't want tuesday to happen again.
I was hammered, I was miserable. I didn't like it. I wanna get on a bus and go far away. That's what she did, right? And I guess it worked for her.
I should do the same. I should get a coop job across Canada and only look back at my house, where my mom and my guineapig would be.
I can start a new life anywhere I go. I've done it before.
My eyes burn again. I can't sleep. I feel inadequate.
God damn it, Mau.

Mau, don't think anymore, your head needs to rest

Today is great.

Gaping hole in chest, angry, sad, laughter, talking loudly, frown, smile
I am insane. No wonder.

Eddie Izzard, you sir have put a smile on my face in a rough time. Thanks.

Admitting I did something wrong? Son of a bitch.

Last night was a complete fuck-up.
I felt like walking. It does clear my mind. So I walked. A lot. Until I finally got to downtown Hamilton. I wanted to avoid one of the panhandlers that I know, and so I walked some more, by the bars. Baltimore house, homegrown, absinthe club, whatever. And I dropped in at Baltimore. And I started to drink.
And I drank and cried my eyes out for the first time in quite some time.
I drank and drew. There was live music. It helped me focus on something else other than my head, but then it would always come back to haunt me for some more time and make me be a pansy again.
So I drank some more and cried some more. I hate to admit it. However, it was more than expected, and those angsty moments were nobody else's fault but mine.
When the bartender at baltimore suggested that I drank water (god damn, I was drunk), I closed my tab, and moved on. To Homegrown.
The owner, she thought I would just order a latte like always. I surprised her when I asked for two shots of something. Then I asked for a shot and a drink. Then I paid and left. Left to come back with some random homeless dude. I bought him a drink.
In return, he bummed smokes off of people and gave me two. Shit, it was a terrible night.
I forget what we talked about. I forget a few things. I do remember that the girl I like, she longboarded by, and I called her out.
Bad idea. So far, the last image she has of me was of me drunk, sitting on the street with some homeless dude that offered to split one of his smokes with me.
If she only knew what I thought of her when she longboarded by.
But wait, she isn't stupid. She knows. She is fully aware.
This depressive persona, this person that will find a temporary friend at the cost of a beer and a little dignity, the person that bar hops after drinking too much at the first stop... this really is not like me. This is what things have made me out to be recently. And it won't happen again.
My edge seems to be back on, and next thing, my mask.
Mau, what ever happened to you, what ever was done to you?
Mau, what are you gonna do to the world?

mau what the fuck did you fuckin doo

ugh puke

yeah, yeah.

im good at awkward, nicky.

i know what i did

i ordered pizza

Mau, what the fuck did you do.

I have to admit I am legitimately unhappy. I had not been so unhappy in quite some time. I cried for about an hour while looking at a pint of beer. I drew, and drew some more, and more, and more, until the one pen broke. then I broke it in half and drew some more. Then I went to another bar and drank some more. Then I got out, picked a hobo, bought him a beer, and drank some more. I'm not happy. I dont know if I'll remember this tomorrow. I feel like I have to puke.
Mau.

So I put on my mask again

And fucked it all away.