Ho ho fucking ho.

In an attempt to not ruin christmas, I have decided to postpone it and deem this an undefined holiday. I will make my christmas on january 25th and new years on january 31st. This has been a failure of magnificent proportions. My body schedule is messed up, I am broke, my family treats me like a kid, my guineapig is gonna kick the bucket some time soon, and I have gained weight. Lol, fun.
I start coop on January, for four months unless I fuck up and get fired. Hopefully it doesnt get to that extent. I mean, reducing my possibilities of getting a significantly paid coop would somewhat slightly decrease my possibilities of having a fun time.
I've come to realise how limited I am in terms of people. However, I am grateful to God for Ryan, Jay, and Jill. Tabby too. But mostly Jill. Jilly's saved my ass a few times. She's been through good times and through shitty times. And she doesnt disappear for periods of time. She's one of the best things that life has given me.
But back on the financial side of things: this coming year might change things for the best for me. I mean, if this coop goes well, I have work for one year. I will also have the possibility of finally getting a vehicle, which will make my life a lot easier.
Speaking of which, I need a motorcycle. I have got to the point that I cannot wait to get a car, so I need to get a motorcycle first. I will be able to ride it as soon as I can, and then, as I go along, I can work my G license.

Mau mau

Why can't you sleep again?
Is rolling in bed all night thinking shit that just doesn't happen fun to you?

Mau, quit your shit.

I kinda envy how kendra's friend messaged her saying that he needed his friend in his life again. I wonder if my friends are ever gonna do such a thing. I feel left alone most the times, and just angry about it. I have admitted to it, and they just wouldn't believe me. They though I was joking. I mean, mau the righteous surgeon, an angry person? Bullshit! All lies! But I am, and I am trying to get back to back when everything was in control.
I am getting there.

Well, the anxiety is gone

But the sadness because of the shitty things that have happened have remained so far. I think those are things that I have to fix and hope to learn from them. I can't focus again, but I can try to concentrate for a change.
Mau.

Ah, and I keep falling back to this.

I am begining to realise that my problem was loving you so fucking much. And I see you managed to move on and replace whatever I was in your life, while I'm stuck in the same place with the same people. I am grateful for my old friends, and I am glad I got to see them. Ryan and Jay. I love you guys to bits. You guys are some of the best things to ever happen to me.
Yet, the type of company I want most is a bit more than friendship, and I couldn't help but wonder where you lived in Brantford when I was there: who your family was, what you did in your spare time in that city.
It sucks when you realise how easily replaceable you are. I mean, I know I'm not something necessarily special, but I do hope I at least did something good for you. I can't just have been a load in your life, like you said I was.
But everything must come to an end. I would have given anything for you. Anything, without second thought. I did fight my family, the guys, and everybody that opposed to you. Unfortunately, you never seemed to notice.
And now I'm here, unable to think straight again, during Christmas, wishing to god I could find a warmer place than the cold spot that surrounds my chest.
I have to move on and learn to look after myself again. My life was perfect up until I chose to give things up for you. I lost many things because people wronged you, and I didn't mind.
I am not a sad person. I am sad because everything I've believed in simply fell appart.
But again, I have to learn to look after myself again. After all, my own self is the only person that will not stop talking to me for some reason. I hope whatever I did for you was useful and that it meant something good in my life. I hope all of this was worth something.
Look up at the stars and remember me.