Mau, stop being such an idiot.

Beauty of the day: Rain and snow in late March.
What the hell, I really get the point. You don't have to disappear again. But if you do, regardless of how upsetting it may be, you're ridding me of tons of stress. If you disappear again, I hope it all goes well. I'll rebuild my life just like when you disappeared the first time. I don't know what I did to piss you off, but this time, I don't really care. It's happened before and it happened again. Big deal. Time to pick my life up and deal with it as best I can.
Mau

Mau isn't that great today either.

Beauty of the day: idfk.
Today I hung out with my friend Patrick. He's a massive dude. Today I realized how weak I am compared to him. I'm pretty strong, however, Patrick grabbed my arms and moved me like a puppet. All I could do was watch. Not even struggle. Shit. xD

And I'm deeply disturbed, and I'm really unhappy

Deeply disturbed, and I'm deeply unhappeeeh



That's currently how I feel about my stupid little situation. It sucks that all you do is think of one person, and you're not in their thoughts list. Their minds bring to them bad memories, or awesome memories which they chose to not have with you.
A long time ago I wanted to rip my face off. I'm kinda feeling the same way again.
God fucking damn it. I need to concentrate in school. And capoeira. After all, those are the only things I do have. Not her.
Mau.

God, thanks for me being me and that guy not being me...

Today was a good day. Well, at least for me it was. School went okay. We all failed a test and are getting an opportunity to add 10 marks to that test. Stats went okay. Electricity lab was alright. After I was done, some guy was waiting for the bus where I used to wait for it. What happens was, the bus pulled in too close and took the guy out. And busted his knee sideways.
I'm lucky. I'm lucky for me not being there, for that guy being there instead of me. And again, loneliness kicks in. That poor guy didn't get to call anyone. If I was in his shoes, my only option would've been my mom. I wish I had a special one to call if I was like, on a stretcher on my way to a hospital.
But, damn.
I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy I can run, climb, talk, piss people off...
And I'm thankful for it. I really am, regardless of how much I bitch about life.

And, my lungs hurt.

I split this blog from One More Game so I could put the useless, non-fitness related stuff on here. My personal crap dump. And I've been holding back out of fear of people finding out about this blog. I want people to know about it, but at the same time, I hope it remains with no views forever.

I hate being sick. I hate it with a passion. It's not so much the feeling of it. Feeling sick is natural, so might as well try and get me better. What bothers me is the loneliness part of it: to know that there is not another person that wants me to heal quick other than me and my direct family.
I miss having somebody in my arms.
Life was full of promises once upon a time. It was beautiful, regardless of illness, economic problems, school averages... it was perfect. And when I'm sick, I miss it more.
Stupid mental imagery. What can I get done, if I'm thinking of somebody's blue eyes most of the time?
I can't concentrate. Especially now that I'm sick and my lungs hurt. I'm tired of this. I want to be somewhere else. I wanna be out of my body and feel life on its own.
I want to not feel empty.
I should go sleep, this is already annoying enough.

As you can see, I feel a lot better than yesterday. xD!

On msn...
"I really dislike the fact that I want to talk to you and that I really care about you. know why? Because it hurts me. I wish you said something nice every once in a while. You think too mechanically. I don't. I follow my gut, and hope it takes me some place nice. It's stupid, and it's taken me to places that..."
-look like heaven. Places in which there's buildings made of white marble blocks with shining gold columns, and blue jewels hanging from lamps. It's a place that I can nearly even smell. But as I try to get closer to it, it backs away from me. I can't touch it, nor feel its warmth. I can't enjoy a second with it. It's like, I'm reaching for a golden cup full of water that will make my life eternal and fulfilled, and it's a tease that gets away from me. Life fills with frustration. Others can reach for their cup and drink from it, and be fulfilled and happy. These people... lucky bastards. People that want not purity nor honour. People that would not be able to deal with commitment. People that would give their own mothers for remuneration. People who aren't match for me.
I'm a champion of battles. I make dance out of fight. I get kicked, and all I do is smile and kick back. Life's pushed me and made me fall, and after every fall, I've stood up again. For I know there is no honour in giving up. I'm smart. I'm thoughtful. I'm ready. In 22 years of life, I've lived what many old men have not. I have been to several countries. I have been part of several social strata from the highest to the lowest. I have been challenger and challenged. I have been victorious and defeated.
But what is it to be victorious, if that which you want is a tease in the eyes of you? Life is full of defeat. Trophies lose their shine and turn to mud. Gold to dirt. Wine, to sour liquids. There is no victory here. There is only one curse of action: surrender.
What is Mau to do: would you have him surrender, or would you give him one tiny little thing to hold on to again?

.______________.

Caaaaaaaaaaaaant smileeeeeeeeeee
withoooooout youuuuuu
i just caaaaaaaaaaaaaant smileeeeeeeeee
withooooout youuuuuuuuuuuuu

Doesnt feel good, man...

I'm crashing right abooout, now.
I did my math review. I did kinda well. I just have to redo it once or twice more, to retain that stuff. Today I had a bad time with an electricity test. I was too busy doing two assignments for two other classes. Tomorrow I have a math assignment and the test. I hope I do well.
Stuff is little by little building up, and again, I'm winging it as best as a guy can do. I wish I had a close friend that I could call up. But no, the only person I feel like calling would just say "I didn't do anything today. Aren't you glad you called?" and that's not necessarily what I'm looking to hear.
Shit's cold for the end of March. It's covered in snow outside. To think that last summer was decent enough for me to have a drink (or a few) with some friends out.
The weather is probably one of the reasons why shit doesn't feel good, man. I need warmer temperatures. I want to get out. I wanna sit in the sun. I wanna get a tan.
Beauty of the day: Snow and warmish temperatures. There was a shit ton of snow melting at about 4 degrees. I thought it was nice to see people wearing thin-layered clothing with a snowy background.

Beauty of the day: WTF SNOW

Today there's snow outside. It's March. It's near the end of march. What the hell, man, I don't want snow out for my birthday which is coming up soon and might get beat up for.
I'll update this later. Byeee

They look at me with that look on their faces...

and say "pick me up? :U"

So I do deadlifts, military presses, squats, and then I leave them until the next time.

The magic of see-through curtains.

I've noticed that my curtains (more bedsheets than curtains, to be honest) are very thin, and everything I have done in the privacy of my room at night (changing into whatever I wear for sleeping, playing videogames while stuffing my face, working out) has been part of the daily show for my neighbours. I feel like a town whore. What makes me feel more like it is the fact that it's been this way since I have these curtains, and nobody has complained, so I don't intend on changing my curtains until I can actually afford it.
My mood is kinda weird. I miss Mel. I wish I could just talk to her. But at the same time I want to stay away from her as much as possible. Her voice is addictive to me. Her thoughts sometimes hurt me.
Liking her so I could stick around was a bad idea. She missed me when I was not around. Now that I crave talking to her, I'm just another annoyance in her day. It pisses me off.
Anyways.
Beauty of the day: warmth. Finally. I can wear a not-stuffy jacket. Principles of male fashion finally start kicking in. I want to wear good clothes. I wanna get Ryan to help me pick clothes out.
I really wish somebody read all this shit. I wonder if anyone's ever gonna find about these things.
These blogs are only a few things I feel I can share. There is still a lot more in my head.
I wish I could just open up without fear of rejection. I don't have the confidence for it yet- I'm still scared of voicing my ideas and opinion. After all, I haven't met a single person that thinks like me, or that even acts the way I do. I'm still scared of approaching new people. I wonder if this is ever gonna change.
I have a stupid plan though. I will try to draw people to me. I wanna look better, I wanna change the way I am, and maybe that way people will want to know more as to what I can be like.
I sound so pathetic right now, maybe it's the lack of sleep.
-Mau.

Man, my lip

Got punched. By my own hand. After my teacher kicked the pad I was holding with said hand.
Shit was weird. I hadn't been hit in the head since quite a while back.
I'm happy I didn't bleed.
Anyways.
Beauty of the day: Warm temperatures and beautiful eyes.
Maaaan.

Ah, Mau, when will you learn.

Today was a good day, I think.
I feel a bit more optimistic about my problem solving class. I think Hausser is a lot nicer than last semester. I really appreciate that.
Math, good Jane, she's teaching me stuff I kinda learned in grade 11 physics. I'm glad.
Beauty of the day: no snow. The soil is soft, but it will harden as summer kicks in.
Today I was sad that I wanted to see this fight, Undertaker Vs. Triple H, but the fight wasn't today. I was disappointed.
Baaah.

Such a load of shit.

My mom said something to do with my msn status. "why do you put such pathetic stuff there?"
I put that quote on msn.
And my teacher commented: "sometimes i wonder the same!"
I don't know, I wouldn't really comment on people's statuses. Especially if I dont talk to them on msn.
Either way, I don't care. My teacher's nice sometimes and is strict sometimes. It's what he's supposed to be like.
Yesterday I had nutella for the first time in years. God, it was amazing.

My vaccuum cleaner is looking at mee

Good morning sunshine.

Man, I'm confused about tons of things. I don't even know where to start.
Ah, enough with the rants.
Beauty of the day: Clear skies and cold as shit temperatures.

Lonely Wednesday night

Ah, Tuedsday

Today was a good day. I hung out with people I had not seen in ages: Tabby, Mandi, Tristan, Katie, Rob, it was full of win.
I got a sweater and a hat.
Today I realized how much of a social bug I am and how I love having people around me. I like talking to people. I like being listened to and stuff.
And I like scarfs and hats.
I think I'm changing.