I've noticed that my curtains (more bedsheets than curtains, to be honest) are very thin, and everything I have done in the privacy of my room at night (changing into whatever I wear for sleeping, playing videogames while stuffing my face, working out) has been part of the daily show for my neighbours. I feel like a town whore. What makes me feel more like it is the fact that it's been this way since I have these curtains, and nobody has complained, so I don't intend on changing my curtains until I can actually afford it.
My mood is kinda weird. I miss Mel. I wish I could just talk to her. But at the same time I want to stay away from her as much as possible. Her voice is addictive to me. Her thoughts sometimes hurt me.
Liking her so I could stick around was a bad idea. She missed me when I was not around. Now that I crave talking to her, I'm just another annoyance in her day. It pisses me off.
Anyways.
Beauty of the day: warmth. Finally. I can wear a not-stuffy jacket. Principles of male fashion finally start kicking in. I want to wear good clothes. I wanna get Ryan to help me pick clothes out.
I really wish somebody read all this shit. I wonder if anyone's ever gonna find about these things.
These blogs are only a few things I feel I can share. There is still a lot more in my head.
I wish I could just open up without fear of rejection. I don't have the confidence for it yet- I'm still scared of voicing my ideas and opinion. After all, I haven't met a single person that thinks like me, or that even acts the way I do. I'm still scared of approaching new people. I wonder if this is ever gonna change.
I have a stupid plan though. I will try to draw people to me. I wanna look better, I wanna change the way I am, and maybe that way people will want to know more as to what I can be like.
I sound so pathetic right now, maybe it's the lack of sleep.
-Mau.
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