lol.

I might seem a humourless downer sometimes. Maybe now that I am having a bit of a high point I am seeing flaws in weaker people.

A good friend of mine whom is going through a tough time is writing poetry and stuff while "dealing" with his problems. After months of unemployment, he finally got off his ass and got a job. I'm glad for him and all. Work is always good. However, bud, and I say this from the bottom of my heart: writing poetry and making yourself seem a martyr while you aren't dealing with your shit like you have done in the past year isn't the way to go, as you just noticed. See? You got off your ass and fixed a problem.

Maybe I'll need to read my own advice in the future.

Anyway. Things are going great. I am keeping my job, work is okay with me missing for a day per week for school, things are going well.

I'm seeing oportunities of doing things just to be able to tell the story later. I think that's a new thing for me. I want to have stories to tell. 

Man, people are such a piss-off sometimes.

For some reason, when I'm feeling sorta down or lonely, I like watching Dredd. Whatever works for me, right?

meh.

Friday night was great. I saw Vishal and Kalinka for a brief moment. It was okay.
I learned that Hamilton gives me anxiety not only because of those personal problems, but because I have been stranded there. And I was once again, except I paid a cab to get back home. It was fine though. I think my anxiety is receeding.

калинка моя!

God damn, Kalinka, it's been over a year and I still wish I saw your awkward smile when I'm looking at you. Your energy is something that I loved. How much energy you propagate, and how little you seemed to take from the world. Like an engine giving you more energy than that which you put into it. You took so little from the world and gave so much back. You made my days shorter and full of wonder.

I should probably just forget and move on. It sucks that my life doesn't have anything to do with yours, and in all luck, our paths won't cross again. Because you had your chance. I can't stick around and get hurt over wishful thinking. You know where I am, and trust me, I'll be happy if you ever come back. I won't find you. I'm okay at a distance.

Lol, I want attention.

Just not from where I'm actually getting it.

I like the fact that somebody wants to hug me and tells me that they want me. Yet, my head tends to wander because I cannot reciprocate. I want to be somewhere else with somebody else, not hiding anything.
I'm screwed. Now that it's a few weeks until I'm back at the flat tip of The Hammer, I don't think my anxiety is necessarily gone. As soon as I saw the name written down, it came back. I was more mature about it. After all, time does heal a bit and teaches us more than we really want. But it was there.
Maybe I should pull the fucking tampon out and grow some balls.

To make it clear: I am not comfortable doing what I'm doing with whom I'm doing it with. I would much rather it was kalinka.

Okay, I admit to having freaked out.

I just didn't know what to expect. Being that as it may, I am pretty deep in an it's complicated situation with my ex. I'm not scared of shit. At least not right now. I spoke to Dee. She's always right. She said what I was thinking- that all I can do is calm down and learn from it. That's what I'm trying to do. Some day, all of this will come in handy. I mean, experience is experience, right? Life is a learning experience.

Oh wow.

I really am not ready for this. I have been a stone for the past eight months, and as soon as I see your name and something along the lines of "it's complicated" made me go back to the anxiety I felt last year. I am scared shitless. I don't think I am ready for that. I don't wanna go back to where I was.
I thought I had become stronger. Maybe I have, just in different ways. But I do know that you are not what I need, but what I should avoid. Your voice can only take me back to worlds of suffering.
I need distance. I need my anger back. It's what's always worked.
Fuck, what am I gonna do in one month...
I am scared. I'm a big muscular dude scared of something he can't control.
Haha, life would be so sweet. I need to stop all of this business. I need to stop the x-factor, the jelly-beans factor, and the Lions problem. I need to find my strength on my own. I just hope I can be strong enough to venture out there and find it.
Fuck, I sound like a wuss. Why am I so freaked out? I don't need this. I don't want this.

The time is almost up. I'll have to go back and face my anxiety factors. Fuck, I hate to admit to being cared shitless.

I am getting lonely and tired of complaining.