I'm not sick anymore.

I need time away from people. This (ref.) has definitely wore me down. I need time.
It really made me sad that when I was sick, in my worst days, nobody really cared other than my direct family. I'm not clingy nor weak. Or well, I do get a bit weak during major holidays (Christmas and new years) and that dumb ass valentines thing.
I feel kinda gross. Stupid self-consciousness, I wish you would get in a hand-basket and got express-delivered to hell.
Such misery. Christmas loneliness. Makes me jealous that other people have "stellar" days, and my days are just mindless progressions of minutes after minutes.
I can't say I'm unhappy having nothing to do. It's just... boring. It could be a lot better if all the holiday stuff didn't make me feel lonely, however that isn't the thing. The problem is that... I need stuff to do. Commitments. I need school to start again.
Mau.
Beauty of the day: Angola games.

"Oh, I said you was a charming motherfucker. Sir."

"It wasn't altogether a bad idea. Just typical of me. To think in terms of Heaven on earth, freshly painted in pastel colours, floored in fine stone, and centrally heated."
-Lestat

Holidays kill me.

Well, Christmas is just around the corner, and the April event is just four months away. Christmas always hits me. I need to get distracted. I miss school already.
I think today is the winter solstice. Yeah, it is. Damn, time flies in Canada. Season after season, all clearly defined by their respective colours and temperatures. Green for spring, blue for summer, red/orange for fall, white for winter. White, green, blue, orange, white, green, blue, orange, white, green, blue, orange, white, green, blue, orange, white, green, blue, orange, white, green, blue, orange, white, green, blue, orange, and white again.
2004. February 13th. I woke up, looked at the wall and touched it, and thanked God for it not being a dream.
But was it worth it? I mean, my mom is not a lawyer anymore. My dad is not an Engineer anymore. All of our sacrifices, unnoticed.
Those who know me know that I'm not a sad person. This just angers me.
I feel like everything we have worked for is in vain. Fuck you, winter. Fuck you for making me over-think.

I hate sounding emotional about things

However, I need to be busy. I hate overthinking stuff, especially things that are just out of my hands. I miss school stress already- and it's just been four days.
Yesterday I got a text that really left me worried. I slept next to my phone.
God damn it, Mau, what ever happened to the edge that we were proud of?
I guess I got to regain it.
I need things to do. I wanna feel I'm alive.
All I ask for is just... 30 seconds of stupid courage. The kind that gets you nowhere. The kind that makes things happen whether they are good or bad.
Even if it's followed by five minutes of running for my life.
I will make things happen this break. Hell, I almost made one two nights ago. I gotta keep going with my life as I've always kept going.
Indifference, my friend. Look out for yourself. And for your family, of course. After all, when shit truly hits the fan, they are the only ones you've got.
Mau.

Lets not do that again, Mau.

Big fiasco. I hate it when people I bring and me are the strangers at parties like this stuff.
If anyone invites me to play cranium again, I will tell them to fuck off.
Mau

Ah, joy.

I'm done exams. It seems like my main worry wasn't even statics, but solidworks. Whatever happens... I hope it goes well.
Beauty of the day: Sun and relief.

No time to blog

Exams are killing me. I got almost no time for anything. I need sleep.
Mau.

I want to move to china again.

Life is tasteless.
Mau.

Saturday marked the end of a blue era.

And I'm very happy about it. A person should never live in the past.

Surprise! be unimpressed. Beauty of the day: Rain.

Ah, Mau, when will you learn.
You feel like... tomorrow is too late. However, doing too much today makes things drift away. Especially after what's happened. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.
You have to learn to leave at home what belongs to home and show your best face to the world.
Life is tough. But it's great like that.

Krew Y. says
lol
awww ):
well maybe she's thinking about it ;)
or maybe she's shady and has a bf

Mau B says
nah, she doesn't
but what i do know is that, i'm not necessarily in need of anything
a girl in my current situation, yes, would be nice, but i don't wanna like
okay, here's my analogy
imagine you go pee.
and you walk in in a rush
you're like
FUCK FUCK FUCK
and you just
pull your jeans and your undies down in a rush
and sit
and
there
that's
trust
in a reliable toilet seat that is there
and you know is there
and will be there.
now imagine that you go in a rush
sit there but OH SNAP THERES NO SEAT.
you're half ass inside the toilet
balancing with your legs so your ass doesnt hit water
thats my analogy of a relationship.
i dont wanna go in a rush to find no seat when i run to take a dump :U

Krew Y. says
LOL!!
XDDDDD

Mau B says
exactly, so i dont wanna hit water with my ass
i want a reliable toilet seat :U
i also dont wanna date someone from school or from around my area.
i learned the hard way- its like taking a dump in your front porch
after shit happens, it will be right in front of you.

My dad (right) and me (left).

Toronto Nuit Blanche 2011.

Oh, by the way

I asked what her last name was and she was weirded out by that question, and used my same techniques for deflecting questions.

Ah, impossibilities.

I'm glad I'm not an awkward crush person. Sometimes I wanna punch myself in the head.
I wanna try risky sports sort of to make me know that, like, I'm here. If that makes sense. But there's nothing. Capoeira... but contact never happens. I wanna make it happen.
I'm listening to Massive Attack, Splitting the Atom. I hate relating songs to people. I should stop that.

And here it goes again.

Apparently I got better luck than the last person that tried what I tried.
This really sucks. I was hoping things would be different this time. Oh well, back to reality.
Mau.

Wow, I gathered the balls

She is beautiful. I asked her out on a date. I was nervous. However... What I learned from Derek really kicked in: there is nothing to lose. I got nothing to lose. There's only one beautiful girl that I could be close to.

God that chick is fucking beautiful...

And I gotta gather the balls to tell her

JUST SAYING

Liz is fucking beautiful.

I was eating carbs.

...and gained about two kilos in a week. I'm back to eating little with limited carbs. This week I doubt I can work out. I'm very busy with school.
Mau.

I sure hope you at least think of me.

This weekend I got the chance of going to Toronto and staying in a really fancy hotel. I'm currently at Best Western, Friday night, Saturday night, and leaving back on Sunday. This is because of a robotics convention. Mohawk college covered it... I feel very special.
I lack sentence structure.
Mau.

I was gonna move out.

I don't know what's gonna happen. If OSAP doesn't fuck me over, I might still go for it. God, whatever happens, I want it to happen quick.
Mau.

Running on empty.

Two nights ago, 3 hours of sleep. Last night, about 4. Still isn't enough, but I gotta do what I gotta do with whatever I've got. Idiot me didn't know there's a statics test tomorrow. I get the feeling that I'm slightly fucked.
Aaaaaaaaaanyways.
We'll see what happens.

Newly painted wall.

...and newly passed out Mau.

I can't believe I did this.

I messaged Nikki. I don't know what's gonna happen next.

Hah, miserable.

Sunday, plans none. It sucks to realize that the only people I feel attached to are Jill and Karim, my two only friends.
I really dislike people, and it bothers me to feel so lonely.
My brother officially hates my guts. I really just wanna get out of this place. I wanna go far and make my life. I don't wanna feel like this anymore.

Death From Above 1979 - Black History Month Official Clip

Reading the wrong signals is my thing.

"I wish my boyfriend would say that."
Yes, I like you too.
God damn it, I at least hope it's not the wang guy. Well, his name is Dong. So, wang, dong, same thing. I really have bad luck when it comes to liking people. I'm still alright though, just somewhat disappointed at my mad awesome ganache reading people skills. People have been in relationships since like, highschool and shit. Me? Well... unstable people, "ii dun like you no more lolololol", and people that simply just wanted some breakup fun. This cup of tea tastes like pure shit.
Anyways, it's early and I gotta go to school.
Mau.

Well then.

I'm somewhat angry, but I feel ungrateful.
I've been on this paleo diet for about a month, and it angers me that nobody ever asks for my opinion when my family orders delivery food. They are separate meals, so I could have wanted, I don't know, something not so bready or greasy?
But no.
My brother hates me. He truly does. And it kinda hurts. It sucks that the only place where I can find peace is at school or in my room. But it gets very lonely here.
The batizado passed already. I got my yellow cord. I... hate... it?
This event was one of the biggest wastes of money I have made. I won't do next batizado. I'm angry about it.
I want gotta get around to other cities and see how stuff works.
Speaking of things, I hate it how other people got it so damn easy.
I have worked hard for everything I own. Shit, I still look at prices and compare the price to the equivalent number of hours in the sun working.
There are many things I've been angry about that are really ruining this shitshow. My rants even lack structure.
anyways... im gonna go sleep.
Mau.

Ah, the shitty end of the stick.

Sometimes, because of life's not-so-enjoyable events, I believe I got the shitty side of a deal. Family problems get in the way of everything, leaving me unable to focus on what really matters: my stupid active citizenship class. I mean, what the hell, values? voting? analyzing dramatic stories? in engineering? Good one. Here's a better one: give an useless queen a piece to dimension on autocad, then we will talk.
Tonight I'm supposed to write a paper. I bailed on capoeira tonight because of it, but no, how can that happen, when I have to remain home and listen to my brother's shit? I'm sick of this stuff. I really am.
Whenever we fight, I'm left looking at rooms for rent in hamilton. At least, that's close to school and my ears get some rest.
Goddamit, I wish I could move there.
This stuff isn't cool. I'm left with a lot of things in my head except the stuff I should write about.
Immigrants who acquired their citizenship through fake information, revoked citizenships, who gives a shit, when your brother is constantly screaming that he's not gonna call the cops on you this time? This shit is embarrassing. And I haven't done anything worth getting cops called on.
If I wanted to, I could, but I'm better than that. Not in his eyes... but I guess this business is done.
It's not a pretty story to tell. Whenever I say that my own brother has called the cops on me, they assume I'm some sort of a psycho, not that he's a mentally unstable fuck that called the cops on me for no valid reason.
Man, I wanna see Jill. She's cool. Hanging with her is fun. Tomorrow I'll see if she wants to grab some Chinese food.

Just sayin

know what pisses me off? when people assume they like you (you do though) and then after stating that they aren't interested, they don't just disappear.
Also, the things that you've worked hard to achieve and nobody ever says "that was cool" or "good job", but when someone else achieves something, no matter how ridiculously stupid, they are like "GREAT JOB OMFG UR AWESOME".
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Bye!

Wednesday.

Ah long day. I passed out in math, and had a headache all throughout my day.
It's all gone now.
Stupid indecision. Mel asked me to take her out to Toronto for her birthday. I'm always fucking broke as always. I think it's just gonna hurt me in the end.

And it starts getting cold.

Tomorrow the weather will begin to cool down. It really sucks... this summer I only worked. I never took care of my personal businesses. I did enjoy, however, being away from everything.
Yet, it's just like, postponing one's problems. I feel lonely again, especially now that fall is about to begin.
I hope things change. I really do.
Mau.

I love feeling wanted. Sometimes I feel somewhat like a whore.
Buuuut, I guess I'm not.
Amber is a really sweet chick. She's awesome. =]

I need more balls

To tell people exactly what needs to be said.

I'm going back thereeee

I forget, surrounding area of Owen sound

London ribfest

London, Victoria park

Cachoeira

Golfinha

Harley, molson, and me

Brockvile

Orillia boat show

Milton rib fest

I'm not happy.

Sent from my iPhone

I feel like a pansy

it's just gonna be two weeks...
but I'm gonna be far from my house and my family.
Baaah.

Greaaat.

Some people have good luck. Some others miss an amazing free play at a park because our bicycles' cranks come fully off as we ride home from walmart to then attempt to make it to the park a few minutes late. WHEEEEEE.

Sunday night

Packing is going by really slowly. I hate packing... I dislike the idea of simply packing my life and taking it with me (again) someplace else.
Shakespeare on the lake will be going on in one hour and ten minutes. ...I doubt I'll make it.
I don't wanna go away...
Mau.

Friday night

This time has been eventful, and not necessarily in a good way. Mandi's dad passed away, and ever since then, I feel like I should be around for a while. Mandi is a strong girl, but she might always need some company to be happy. I gave her a necklace with a key that said courage on it. Today in her dad's viewing, she wore it. I was happy that she did. God, even my friends cried. Tomorrow is his funeral. Don... you were a great dude.
He helped me out with a table when I bought it. I just called him and asked for help, and within minutes, he came over and helped me with it. I wish I had known you better.
But from down here, all I can do now is just help your family through this difficult time.
Tomorrow I will go to Don's funeral. Mandi will be there. I hope she is okay.
I'll miss capoeira for saturday and then for the following two ish weeks. I'm going to work for 16 days straight.
Away from friends and family. My only company will be my cellphone and coworkers. I wanna talk to Ariel on the phone some time, now that I think of it...
Grey County, Fergus, back to Grey County, then London, then Grey County again... I hope it goes well.
Mau.

I don't feel all that great...

Beauty of the day: Old faces. Familiar faces. Although it wasn't a good day, it was good to see them.
It sucks that somebody had to die for us to get back together and have food in the same place.

On the other hand... I'm tired. I do a lot, and I get shit just for having my bike inside the house. Fuck, I just don't want it stolen. And no, it doesn't matter whatever good things I've done today. Nothing matters. It just matters that my bike was wherever my asswipe brother wanted to sit.
I just want a break.