Beauty of the day: The mooooooooooon

And whatever stars I could catch with my iPhone. Damn, right before dawn.

The sky is beautiful, and the tiny little snowflakes seem to go underappreciated.

Sharing this with people would be awesome. It just sucks that it's too early for anyone to be up and around at that time.

Beauty of the day: "Oh, my, it's nippy out there :U"

Today at work I was given a choice: either work cash or take out the trash. Me, obviously, being the social bug I am, I chose the latter. I disarmed boxes and made a bundle and shit. I took out the trash (it was -12 degrees) and I thought everything was normal. I put my fingers on my chest pointing out and then I jokingly said "Oh, my, it's nippy out there!" with a British accent.
What I didn't know, is that stuff had gotten nippy in my shirt. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING. My nipples were pointy as shit for the rest of my shift, and I couldn't do anything but try to ignore it.
Baaaaaaah.
Anyways.
I'm home, ready to try and not fuck my life up again.
Later!

Beauty of the day: learning to fly again.

This goes in two ways, the awkward love posts, or acrobatics. I'll focus on the latter one.
Acrobatics is my way of flying. Capoeira includes acrobatics in its games, and regardless of how tough they get, it's something I treasure. If it wasn't for Capoeira, I would be a different person. Capoeira has been there when shit has hit the fan. I've always found refuge in its music and the wonders that come with it. Martial arts, dance, music, tradition, respect, love... Capoeira's got everything I've stood for. I wish I could share Capoeira with people. However, Capoeira isn't for everyone.
Last year, I was in perfect condition for acrobatics: it's last year when I first tried to fly and had some very painful landings. But it's enjoyable. I love getting over the fear of things and just trying to fly. Little by little everything started cooling down. Not necessarily speaking about seasons. And I stopped flying. I guess karma finally caught up with me. And my wings were taken away.
Today I felt that energy again- and how strong it was! I did an aerial. We call them au sem mao. It was off the floor, it was fast, it was beautiful, just like I did back when I could fly. I'm ready for macacos (one handed back-hand-spring), amazonas (one hand-stand) and piao (I've no idea what the hell that is called). I'm ready for bad landings, for wipe outs. I want to have stories to tell.
I feel like I'm ready to spread my wings again.
I don't want to lose this energy again.

Beauty of the day: Capoera music

My friend from school isn't gonna be able to come over. Which is fine, I guess. After all I was just planning on doing school work with him. It'll be next time.
I saw the guy that keeps staring at me on the bus again.
Creepy dude with his tear tattoos on his face.
Not necessarily ugly looking, just... strange.

Beauty of the day: tiny snowflakes and blue eyes

God damn it, finally I get to sleep.
Last night the shit-feeling started kicking in again, and I just wanted to sit down and watch tv until sunrise, but I made a giant effort and got off my ass and went to bed.
I didn't dream anything. It was a good sleep. Just, blank-minded sleep.
Tomorrow in capoeira I'll keep trying my acrobatics, and I'll see if I can try other stuff at the Burlington Gymnastics club with some people from class.
God, the fact that Mel is doing better makes me so happy, I wish I could hug her.
I just got an account on Plurk!
I think it's useless, but it's anything, now that I deleted my facebook.
ANYWAYS, I wanna do something tonight. I'm just kinda tired, but I want to.
Later!

Beauty of the day: Interviews by this cute chick.

This girl was looking at my group doing stupid things down a hallway, and she came down to interview us for her journalism class. The guy that was with her also recorded us doing pretty stupid things.
I'll get the video some time, if they email me it.
Later!

Beauty of the day: melting snow

I love warmth. Even if it's just -2 degrees.
It's the feeling of life coming back to everything.
The beauties of the day and night, birds, pets, insects, drug addicts dealing in the middle of the day, whatever.
This day was just like any other. I think Mel finally got tired of me. Either that, or is getting really close.
Whatever happens, I'm good for it.

Beauty of the day: A little bit of warmth.

Days seem to drag, and yet, they don't seem enough. I'm trying to not think of  as much. Tomorrow should be a great day. It's the end of one great battle for me and my family: citizenship.
But it doesn't seem that great of a deal. I'm thinking too much of stupid things and I can't concentrate on what really matters: school, myself, and my family.
My family is what truly matters. They are everything I've got.
I think I deserve some vacations.
I wanna get my passport and go to Mexico.
I want to see how far I can get on my own.
I want to come back changed. I want to look different, to act different. I'm tired of being what I've been in the past months. It's seemed a waste of time.

Heh my spoon holder.

Man, I love school.

When I'm in school, I don't think stuff I shouldn't think.
I enjoy my life. I feel a bit better, a bit safer, a bit happier.
Today I tried calling Mel, but she left her phone at home. I think it was her Deda whom picked up. I wish I met this guy. So far, he seems a really nice person.
Alright, I gotta do homework and go to class.
Later!

I'm tired of regretting stuff. Last year it wasn't the same. I don't wanna skip on things I want to say, but I don't wanna get Mel further away from me than she already seems to be.
Mel, everything I've said, about how much I've treasured you, about stars, about your eyes, your hands, everything, I've meant it. I still wonder where you are when I am not talking to you and wonder if you're okay, and hope that you are.
I really want to learn to do a backflip. Just so I can say that I did something I thought was impossible just because you suggested it.
I wish you knew of this blog. Or the other one. Or whichever.
I care about you too much.

Missing facebook.

It's stupid. Such an idiotic addiction...
I miss getting updates on people.
I wanna log on, retrieve a note I wrote, paste it on here, and deactivate it again.
Fuck!
---
So, I logged on, my note is missing...
It was the note where I copied and pasted all the statuses I wrote about Mel.
Facebook, you should burn in hell. I really wanted that note. Fuck you.
I hope you fuck yourself deeply enough. With like, a cactus.

woke up, shit's cold, I feel weird.

Lately I've had plenty of these wtf-am-I-doing-moments. It's getting annoying. I don't wanna think anymore of personal stuff. I just want to rest. To blank my mind.
I'm losing faith in this summer. I don't know if it's gonna be good or not.
But on the bright side, I got my shitty job, which should give me enough distraction.
In moments like these, I feel like I need another bike wipe-out. Another close call, to open my eyes. A close call to know what really matters.
If I ride this year the way I did last year, I think it will happen.

Ah, moods.

While editing my other blog, I noticed all my posts were happily unbiased. And then, when stuff started happening, they started getting personal.
I intend to keep them separate.
And I want to be more myself. When I'm alone and happy, I'm just happy. I want to be more myself. And less the reactions to people's actions.

I just edited One More Game and got rid of personal posts.
I still mean them: everything I've said about Mel, everything I've said about my moods, every single rant. I really want to make that blog public. After this long I would like some people to know of it.
All the personal stuff will be here now.
I'm trying to stop liking Mel, but I'm failing at it. I was right ages ago when I said this would hurt me. In fact, it IS hurting. Like a bitch.

Repost from One More Game

Today I've thought definitely too much.
Today's blog isn't so much a work-out related blog. I did go to my class, and yeah, it was core work out. But that's kinda... it.
However, there's other useless things that I've thought that are definitely worth mentioning.
First, I like Mel. I truly do. And it's a pain to me because, once again, I think it's a one way thing. I want to have the balls to be able to stick with her until I see her get better. What I don't know is if that's even gonna happen. I don't wanna get hurt again. So I've wished it upon my 11:11 wish today: for me to like her in a healthy way for both of us. That way I should be able to stick around her and be of some sort of help.
Second, my customers like me. There's people that have gone out of their ways to say merry christmas to me, to give me christmas tips, and to simply put a smile on my face. These guys are amazing. Frank, he's a customer that we spot from afar and say hi to, we bring coffee to his table. Only person we do that for. He walked up to me with a christmas card and a tip in it. I was happy. He's very kind. A lady ordered a fancy drink because she loves how I make it. I love that woman's smile!
Third: my religion fucking sucks.
I believe in God. I believe I'm here for a reason. What that reason is, well... I'm slightly misplaced. But it's alright. I'm working on that. I believe that God had a son, he died for our sins, all that. Holy Spirit, saints, and all that.
A good friend of mine, he's a man of great inner faith. He's strong not only physically but mentally. He comes from a religious group that actually helps people. His sect was the sect actually carved the Holy city of Alamut on rock. They had their version of ninjas protect it. His religious leader, whom is believed to be the direct descendant of the prophet Muhammad, he's a rich man that helps the world (without the press on his ass) out of his own pocket. My friend does tons of volunteer work for his community for no reward, just like their spiritual leader. His community keeps itself going.
Now there's us, Christian Catholics. We killed tons of free-thinking people calling them devil-worshippers. We set technology back by hundreds of years during the dark ages. We destroyed entire cities and cultures trying to set our own beliefs upon them. Child corruptors working under the church, what the hell?
We've done terrible things. There's no pride in saying that I'm a member of a community that has done such things for the world. I believe in God and in the bible. But I don't consider myself a Christian Catholic. I won't find any set of religious belonging because I don't share it.
I lack brains to write a good conclusion. I miss Mel. I really do. But I need to look out more for myself in order to be there for her.
I also need to, kinda, find myself. Find my place in life. I want to belong somewhere. Well, not just belong, but feel like I belong somewhere. Or to somebody. It would be kinda nice. I want to learn to meditate. Two nights ago I found lots of difficulty trying to simply blank my mind out. It sucks.

Beauty of the day: Acrobatics!

This day was kinda nice. I was busy with capoeira. It was a nice class, and I did my first serious attempts towards a Macaco and a back-handspring. I think I can do those no problem.

Good morning sunshine.

Ah, I don't wanna go to work. I think I start at 10.
I think.
Last night I was warm for a change. I slept shirtless, only in my track pants.
And I slept, though I was thinking too much even in my sleep.
I gotta do so much this weekend...
Problem solving, electronics, stats, math, shit, this semester is gonna be hard.
I shaved this morning. I thought I can't try to be another person for I'm whatever I'm stuck with. Brutt Aftershave, she said she liked the smell of it. I'm wearing it.
I think it would be awesome to find her socks in my laundry.
I should go make me some breakfast. I'll leave in about 40 minutes.

Beauty of the day: Cold edges and clear skies.

Ah, I have been an ass. And I'm still paying for it.
Today in the morning I witnessed clear skies with drifting snow. It was really nice. Cold as shit, but still nice.
This morning I had a flashback of an image I had years ago. In the strong wind with the drifting snow, monks meditating in the snow, like I dreamt ages ago.
I wondered if maybe with the little spark that's inside me I could warm up a circle to keep me warm.
What would I not give to always simply feel warm inside?
I want to be loved for whatever I am.

Man, I hate ranting...

But my days are shit. I can't stop thinking of her. Of all the shit she's been through, of how I've been friend-zoned, and how I wish I could be closer to her.
Today I saw the moon setting at 8 am. It was something that's not so rare, but terribly underappreciated. The moon was orange, just like a dim version of the sun. The only thing I was missing at that point was being close to somebody. Not necessarily the person sitting next to me on the bus.
Apparently I'm not the only one having shitty days. Somebody was bawling her eyes out at work, so I dropped by and helped her out. I think it would be very kind if somebody did the same for me.


"Dead men working, a sinner a saint, mixing up a pale of paint. Painting a house black as night, when the sun came up the house was white."

Oh, , I don't want to miss your life.

Crackers and earl grey

I just woke up and I'm already thinking too much. I hate being friendzoned by somebody I would actually take a bullet for.
I really need some time. I wish I could just get out of my head.

Beauty of the Day: A Clear Sky

Ah, the sky was so beautiful tonight! The moon was bright, stars were shining, almost no clouds.
I'm still hurt. I think I will be for a while. But I can't complain much. I got what I thought I was going to get.
Anemia still sucks. I still feel really weak. I can't last long doing physical exercise. I fall asleep in classes and on buses. But for some reason, that's not one of my biggest troubles.
I hate being in love. I hate it because it always ends up with me hurt more.
I'm just bruised up. But it'll get better.
Now, realisticly speaking, I am bruised up. On the way to the doctor today, I slipped on ice and landed bad. My left ankle hurts. And my hand has six tiny punctures from ice that rather sting.
I wish I could be in school 24/7.
I wouldn't think of stupid things.

Vampires at the walk-in clinic.

Lately, my sense of humor has gotten rather stupid.
Probably it's a way of cover for how shitty I truly feel, but I'm kinda enjoying every moment of laughter my shittyness has brought.
I've winked at cashiers, leant over their counters, and asked "so... is there any OTHER way I could pay for that?"
I've also told a nurse that was filling vials full of my blood if she would consider dressing up as a vampire for halloween if she was working. She had a nice smile, although at first she wasn't willing to smile for me.
Great. When I sat down on the stupid-armed chair, I realized that there was a nice painting right in front of my face. It's technique. They want you to focus on this blurry shitty pierre while there's somebody taking away your precious bodily fluids.
I was late for school. This is... the 4th time? Already. Feeling shitty sucks.
I get flashes of images I wish I didn't get. And all I can tell to myself is this: it's stupid that you're hurt because you saw it coming. It's what you asked for. You got what you deserved to get.

Ouch.

I'm hurt. I really want to say it to somebody, but who can I really trust, when the image everybody else has of me is this happy jackass that enjoys living?
I don't. I just deal with it. I enjoy being happy, but I can't be happy alone.
God damn it, I even enjoy being with Big Mike and the rest of the guys at school.
I need to be surrounded. And I want to be loved.

I was right.

I was wasting my time.
Liking her was no accident though. I wanted to like her again because I thought I could be there for her. But I guess it got out of hands. I hate pretending like one word answers don't mean much to me.
I wanna cut my hair short, and stop shaving.
I want to be another person.
I don't wanna go to school. I don't wanna look the way I feel.

Beauty of the day. Digging my own grave.

I'm pissed. I'm cold. I'm hungry. Stupid anemia's got me weak. I've underslept.
And I feel like I'm just wasting my time.
I don't feel all that happy. I just wanna punch the hood of a car.

Oh, my beloved... and how I hate you.

It's hard for a guy like me to open up. I can't .It's nearly impossible.
And I do, and all I get is an awkward silence next to it.
I love you to bits. And I hate talking to you about what's inside me. Because it doesn't feel like my feelings are welcome anywhere.
I just want to belong

Oh, beauty of the day. Motherfucker.
This day was nice.
Beautiful clear sky with just a few clouds, sunny, and snow. Soft, white snow. Soft snow. Frozen peace. Frozen love.
But it didn't feel so.
The sun makes me wonder when the cold will be done with for this winter. It feels longer.
I'm tired. I want to run and lay down next to a tree. And open my eyes and name clouds from their shapes. And in my night skies, I want to count stars. Photograph them at night. And maybe, just maybe, share this with somebody. All this without getting frostbite.
There really isn't poetry in simply stating what you feel. The only thing that's there is honesty and hope: Hope that they will be open to what you feel. Hope that they will share what's in their minds too.
Ah, Starbucks.
Their white cups with the Starbucks logo and cardboard sleeves. And her lips drinking from it.
I'm thirsty.
I'm not rich. I'm not necessarily... average either. I can't give you gold, nor rubies, nor diamonds. I can only give you my heart, and see what you do with it.
Treasure it

Snow

Ah, finally a place with no readers related to me. My other blog got nowhere, and now I'm counting on failure for this one. I just want to lay down my stuff in words.

He hates the cold. He hates being alone. He hates deep waters. He hates people. He hates this city. He hates that whenever he opens his mouth to talk about what he feels, he just causes awkward moments.
He likes snow. Snow is beautiful. White, soft... snowy.
He likes the idea of seeing a snow flake melt on her skin, and then kiss it off.
He wore the wrong shoes. He wanted to make an impression. But it never works. She already has all the impressions she's ever gonna have. Mostly friend-zoned. But he wanted to make it. It sucks when you run out of your house when it's -13 degrees outside with your hair dripping wet to the bank. He ran just to get money out of my bank account to be able to get on two buses, get to another city, and see her for a few hours.
About 3 hours, to be exact.
He missed having dinner with her. His hair was frozen, his neck was cold, his hands were shaking his skin was hurting, and there was snow in his shoes. The wrong shoes.
Oh, Mau, when will you learn.
He was late. But something warm should fix it as soon as he got there. Starbucks coffee. Venti latte. No sugar in it, please. It took hours to finish it.
She looked beautiful. Blue eyes, brown hair. Well, according to her. To me, her hair seems dark blond. Brownish blond. He loves it. He loves her eyes. Her face. Every inch of her skin.
Imagine a block of ice in a very dry cold. A snowflake will approach it hoping that the ice will kiss it and hold it close. And eventually they will be together.
But it doesn't happen.
The snowflake slides off the ice, never to be seen again. Eventually it will land on some muddy hole and stay there. Poor white snowflake.
Anyways, dinner he had. Money for the night he had. Not so much. After all, being a student is expensive, and work has been giving shitty hours. But she's worth everything.
He fought with his parents. He knows she's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to him. He knows that her fingers fit perfectly in between his.
They walked around. He wanted to hold her hand, and did it for as long as he could.
Oh, her pretty cold small hands...
I'm taking too long with this. They walked around, he could only think of how much he loved her, and how bad the fight with his family was.
After a while they headed out, and they split, for they lived in two different directions.
Oh, snow... the wrong shoes, the wrong clothing, all to make an impression. The things I've done for you.
I've ran through packed fast streets in the rain. I've ran in snow. I've ran... in snow. I've ran.
Snow.
Cold snow. Cold air. Hunger, thirst, pain from the cold. It'll wear off as soon as your body warms up.
And so, he ran. The wrong shoes: Perfect for running. Bad for snow. His coat: perfect for making an impression. Bad for running.
And so, he ran. Stopped, gasped for air, and ran again. And thought of her.
And he kept running. 9:57. Train leaves at 10:07.
He's cold. He's far. Pick up the pace.
He's close. He's cold. The train is in sight. 10:05.
He's close. Train is in sight. Leaving. 10:08.
He's cold and thirsty. His clothes are sweaty. Sweat becomes cold.
The wrong shoes, the wrong clothes... the wrong fight, the wrong run.
I would love to kiss you good night.
He wants the warmth of her body. Right now he's colder than she was.
He wants water. But no.
Oh, snow. It tasted like accumulated pollution since the last snowfall.
One hour. And then on your way home.
Home, sweet home. He feels home when he's with her. He wants her to love him. He wants to love and feel loved. He wants the block of ice to be humid so the snowflake can stick to it and eventually freeze together.