Problems come in bunches

I need distance. I've noticed how hateful I've become. Speaking to the ex was a good idea. But I didn't think it would bug me that she moved on and I am still where I was.
Crippling depression is a thing. Thankfully not anxiety. I hate the panic attacks. But I'm semi-working on myself.
I need to determine what it is that I want of life. I hate that I am stuck living a life I hate. This whole working for a person that will treat me like an ass, whom I'll have to beg for permission to help at home, and whom I have to be grateful to for the money I fucking earn is killing me.
I'm in the wrong field and too far in to change paths. I'm fucked.
I hate that I want people. I try to reach out. But with exception of one or two people, nobody ever reaches out to me. Am I that disposable? inadequate? am I one in a dozen? is it all in my head?
I feel like garbage. Like, I'm not good for anyone. And this feeling grips me and sometimes manages to freeze me as I go grab the door knob to open the door and go out.
But as a man, I can't just open up. My friends already don't want me around, they'd want me around much less if they knew I'm this insecure. This is what losing things has made me.
I need to get back up. But for now life is drowning me one drop at a time.
I'm tired of reaching out.

Sudden turn for the suck

Yeah, my job didn't go well. It took them a year to find out that I wasn't what they wanted. Oh well, I guess this is all a learning experience.
The ex and I are in speaking terms. Knowing that she doesn't hate me is a weight off my shoulders. After all, she's a great person.
Anyway, fuck it, I gotta find stuff to do.
Mau

I've been well

I got a job, got my dog, she's an amazing animal and I am happy to have her. Work is well. This summer will be interesting.
Mau.