Maaan...

I wish  was happier. It really drags me down knowing that she feels miserable.
I don't care about liking her anymore. I'll just learn to live with it again. I just want her to feel happier.

Monday night...

I'm not feeling well at all. I'm pissed at myself for drinking with my friends. I feel ugly and annoying. I can't concentrate on anything. I hate ranting, but hell...
I wonder how on earth am I supposed to help a single person if I can't make myself happy. I feel so gross... I don't want to train anymore.

The Weekend

Family day weekend. Great. I really needed this.
This week's been rather stressful. School's building up.
Bah, I don't even know what to write about here.
I'll update this after.

Ugh not feeling well. I can barely breathe this morning. I hope it doesn't get worse as the day goes.

Sent from my iPhone

Beauty of the day: here comes the rain.

Today it's supposed to rain here. After... months.
I seem to be all over the place. I can't concentrate much. I'm struggling doing homework. Last night I finished an important assignment (well, I hate to admit that I halfassed it) at 4:20 am, to wake up at 5:10.
I have no idea how I'm being able to articulate shit.
Valentine's failed. I got no money and can't take cute Mel out. I hate myself for it.
I want to take her out still, though. April 15th. I wanna take her to the theater to watch the barber of seville.
God, I really want to be able to. I don't wanna fuck this up.
I wanna take her out to get dinner and then go there.
I just found out it's gonna be a friday. It's gonna be great.
Mel, if you ever read this... I know I haven't been the nicest person. I know I have said and done things that were hurtful to you. I know I can't turn back time and fix those. What I know I can do is give you moments that you could replace the bad memories for. If I were to die, I wish you were to remember this side of me.

Hard to find a beauty of this day

But school made sense today. Last night I didn't do homework or anything, I just slept. And it seems to have paid off. Today I might do the same. I've had a stomachache and my left arm hurts, so I think I should rest.
I really want a hug. It's really cold out.

My shoulder hurtssss

And so does whatever hurts when you feel heartache.
Sometimes I really don't get me. I don't know what I'm doing this for. I feel like a fly going straight towards the grill of a truck.

I really want a hug

I miss Mel. I've realized that talking on msn opens up for misunderstandings. I thought my communication skills were half decent, but it's a lot better when she is able to see what I mean with facial and body expressions.
God, her lips are so soft...
and her smile is really beautiful. Her eyes can tell that she has been through a lot, but in them I can see that she has what it takes to keep going.
Mel, I wish you knew about everything I wish I could tell you.

Beauty of the day: her eyes and how she sees things

Damn it. Last night was really nice. I didn't expect it to. Even though I waited for really long standing inside an empty mall. But it's okay, it was kinda worth it.
I saw Mel. She was dressed nicely. She had just been to her friend's party to give her a birthday present. And then we hung out.
Man, I love seeing her. I like having my arms around her and having her arms around me.
I hope I don't end up hurt. Which I've already been.
Her skin is as soft as snow hitting the ground. Her hair is the same.
I love her touching the inside of my hands.
I wanted to keep my distance. But it's inevitable.
I'm glad I didn't keep my distance.

National Anthems and potato chips.

Today somebody asked whether or not I listened to random national anthems. And it brought back memories from waaaaay back when I lived in Colombia.
Now that I think about it, my education was mostly military-like. We had rewards for academic performance, well behaviour, outstanding stuff, all to do with simply the honour of wearing a small button-sized flag on your chest. We had to stand in rows and do arms exercises in the morning every day. And, of course, listening to the national anthem, our departamental anthem, and the school's anthem. We had no choice, we had to know them by heart.
I missed the sound of those.
I miss the sound of that discipline. That education had a great influence in what I am right now. And I thank my parents for having chosen that for me.

Beauty of the day: Snow, lots and lots of it.

Burlington is a boring place. It's why people call it borington. However, it's nothing compared to when there's a snowstorm and you are stuck in your house. It's not like I had plans to go anywhere anyways, it's just that there's a difference when you make the choice to not go out, and when you don't go out because there's nowhere to go.
Lately I've felt that there's nowhere to go either way. There's no friends nearby, there's no school close, there's only a McDonalds and a supermarket.
I want to change. I need change. I'm tired of being this boring thing I've become.
It's funny, I haven't had too much in my mind. Other than me not doing things I'm supposed to do.
Cleaning, studying, being human, I should work on those more. I should give up on trying to be perfect. It's something that's never gonna happen. It's impossible to be the image that's in my mind: not a spec of dirt, perfect clothes, beautiful hair, nearly king-like swing, it's impossible. I want to let the chips fall where they may.
I think it'll be worth it. Only time will tell.

Long tuesday

According to my doctor, my red blood cells are small and cute. But he says it shouldn't interfere with life because they aren't that small.
So I think I can feel a lot better if I do things differently.
I feel slightly annoyed. I just wish I could be different. But it's hard. Me is all I know how to be. And I want to get somewhere as me. I don't want to lose myself.
Which I already have done, to be honest.
I can't be perfect. And I have to accept that.
Today I got a taste of my old self during stats class: Baileys, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. That made me realize that I'm not who I was before. I don't know what I've become. I don't hang out with people, I have no fun, and I hate it. I got to be my old self again.
However, I can't forget about the good traits I've picked up along the way. I got to keep what's useful.
Ah, life, I wish you weren't so complicated. It's like life is a tightly balanced equation with lots of variables in which changing anything can cause the whole thing to fall apart.
Gotta simplify it.
Smirnoff Ice, please.

Man, I'm hurt.

But I'm too tired to give a shit. So, according to somebody, I'm her last resource call. I'm the just-in-case button. What. the. fuck.
I should peace out on everything.
Btw, today's my doctors appointment. I'll see wth is up with me today.
Later!