Admitting I did something wrong? Son of a bitch.

Last night was a complete fuck-up.
I felt like walking. It does clear my mind. So I walked. A lot. Until I finally got to downtown Hamilton. I wanted to avoid one of the panhandlers that I know, and so I walked some more, by the bars. Baltimore house, homegrown, absinthe club, whatever. And I dropped in at Baltimore. And I started to drink.
And I drank and cried my eyes out for the first time in quite some time.
I drank and drew. There was live music. It helped me focus on something else other than my head, but then it would always come back to haunt me for some more time and make me be a pansy again.
So I drank some more and cried some more. I hate to admit it. However, it was more than expected, and those angsty moments were nobody else's fault but mine.
When the bartender at baltimore suggested that I drank water (god damn, I was drunk), I closed my tab, and moved on. To Homegrown.
The owner, she thought I would just order a latte like always. I surprised her when I asked for two shots of something. Then I asked for a shot and a drink. Then I paid and left. Left to come back with some random homeless dude. I bought him a drink.
In return, he bummed smokes off of people and gave me two. Shit, it was a terrible night.
I forget what we talked about. I forget a few things. I do remember that the girl I like, she longboarded by, and I called her out.
Bad idea. So far, the last image she has of me was of me drunk, sitting on the street with some homeless dude that offered to split one of his smokes with me.
If she only knew what I thought of her when she longboarded by.
But wait, she isn't stupid. She knows. She is fully aware.
This depressive persona, this person that will find a temporary friend at the cost of a beer and a little dignity, the person that bar hops after drinking too much at the first stop... this really is not like me. This is what things have made me out to be recently. And it won't happen again.
My edge seems to be back on, and next thing, my mask.
Mau, what ever happened to you, what ever was done to you?
Mau, what are you gonna do to the world?