Insignificantly enough?

I can't write poems for shit. I used to a while back. My thoughts are still dark. And all I can think of is your smile when I've made you smile, or when you have an awkward moment and your nervous smile pops up. I'm sick of having you in my mind. I love you too much. I'm sick of making bad decisions.
And now I'm far. I can't have you, and you can't have me. I feel nothing for the one that has me. I don't wanna hurt her, but I think I am going to.
I wanna leave. I wanna leave the representatives and your structure. I want to leave everything behind.
I want to pack my backpack and go far far away.
I want to be so far, that being far is everything that's in my head.
I want to feel "how am I gonna get home?" and "where am I going to sleep?"
I wanna feel "where can I find a blanket?" and "are there wolves nearby?" again.
Maybe if my head is full of "do I have money for dinner?" and "should I sleep under that tree?", maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking about you and start thinking about me.

I can put a smile and face everything like I've always done. When I do it, things happen.
For example, I am with a very good looking girl (that I don't want) now. I made up with a friend I felt close to ages ago. I earned his respect again after I betrayed him, and it makes me very happy. I am back in capoeira, and I don't feel the need of meeting new people. Since I got my friend back, I don't feel the need of acceptance anymore. Their love-full rejection is all I want. I just want them to be around, even if it's full of "Mau what the fuck?" moments.

I want to be made of wood. Or stone, or steel. I want to pass the test that the sands of time have prepared for us. I want to remain when everything falls.

Unfortunately, with the way things are going, I am put in a more fragile spot than the worse ones I've been before. On Thursday, I have an appointment for me to spill my guts out to somebody I don't know, hoping for understanding. If I open up, that is. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.
I can't put myself down on paper. I am really not a downer like this blog indicates.
I enjoy life. I enjoy being able to walk, breathe, have a smoke, eat, sleep.

I need to study. I don't know if I even would want you to find out about this blog. Ever since I opened up to you, the friend-zone took over. I rather keep my distance and save myself the little bit of dignity I have left.
After all, one of the things I have realized is that every man has secrets that he should die with.